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The line graph illustrates the consumption of 3 kinds of spreads(Margarine, Low fat & reduced spreads, and Butter) between 1981 and 2007. v.1

The line graph illustrates the consumption of 3 kinds of spreads(Margarine, Low fat & reduced spreads, and Butter) between 1981 and 2007. v. 1
In recent times, several countries have started broadcasting criminal trials through a visual platform such as, television to the wider public. In this essay I will discuss about the benefits and down back of this trend. To embark on, this activity affects a person’s life negatively. According a section of society, government has no right to take person live even they committed a felony. When trials broadcasting in television the face of criminal is shown on the scene, people try to corner not only the convict as well as their family member. That will be very hard for them. Furthermore, when the prisoner release from the jail after completion of given sentence, he cannot face public or get a job even he was rehabilitated. It will be hard to living a decent life in society. On the other hand, some advantages are there. Firstly, to broadcast the offensive activity running in the nation is that an individual gets information about what is running on their surroundings. In addition, this will also create an atmosphere where one should take steps to prevent themselves, even helps to others in a way to handle the situation. For instance, if any terrorist attack on the city, then informing the citizen about that; they should not leave their home and shift in place, which would have a more safety. In conclusion, to deliver the information about the criminal activity is good for the awareness, but it changes the children thinking, which affects on the future. The government should monitor the activity and only some part would be broadcasted.
In recent times, several countries have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
broadcasting criminal trials through a visual platform such as, television to the wider public. In this essay I will
Did you mean simply "discuss the"? You do not need the word "about" here.
discuss about the
benefits and down back of this trend.

To embark on, this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activity
affects a person’s life
negatively
.
It appears that a preposition is missing after 'According'.
According a
section of society,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
has no right to take person
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
even they committed a felony. When trials broadcasting in television the face of criminal
is shown
on the scene,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
try to corner not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
the convict
as well
as their family member. That will be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
for them.
Furthermore
, when the prisoner release from the jail after completion of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
sentence, he cannot face public or
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a job even he
was rehabilitated
. It will be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
to living a decent life in society.

On the other hand
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
advantages are there.
Firstly
, to broadcast the offensive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activity
running in the nation is that an individual
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
gets
information about what is running on their surroundings.
In addition
, this will
also
create an atmosphere where one should take steps to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
themselves, even
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
to others in a way to handle the situation.
For instance
, if any terrorist attack on the city, then informing the citizen about that; they should not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
their home and shift in place, which would have a more safety.

In conclusion
, to deliver the information about the criminal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activity
is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
for the awareness,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changes
the children thinking, which affects on the future. The
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should monitor the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activity
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
part would
be broadcasted
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
The man who does not know other languages, unless he is a man of genius, necessarily has deficiencies in his ideas.
Victor Hugo

IELTS essay The line graph illustrates the consumption of 3 kinds of spreads(Margarine, Low fat & reduced spreads, and Butter) between 1981 and 2007. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
263 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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