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The growth in the aging population

The growth in the aging population Ym1en
Senior citizens have a longer lifespan in developed countries owing to the improvement in medical treatment and better nutrition. Some people consider that growth in the aging population is good, while others claim the opposite. In my opinion, it creates some issues for the government, whereas it is beneficial for the individuals. That there is an increase in the aging population has lots of positive effects on individuals. Those having long life spans are able to experience various annals; henceforth, they will be more conscious about protecting nature. Providing that they give advice to their children, these children will gain a different point of view and start to not make so many mistakes when they grow up. In addition, seeing one’s all family members for a long time may enhance his/her mental health. For these reasons, it is possible to say that living up to 100 will make individuals live a better life. Although the aging population has upsides on the individuals, it has negative effects on the government. Longevity has enhanced governmental budgets. Given that elders need more supervision by the state authorities including retirement pension, healthcare expenses, or housing for those who cannot afford their rent, governments have to escalate their budget to improve seniors' quality of life via increasing taxes paid by properties or businesses. On the grounds that the more citizens and businesspersons pay higher taxes, they will feel more pressure and burden. Moreover, public expenditure on health has a large part of government budgets. Consideration of the ways in which the system is in place to prevent certain illnesses connected with old age or improve their treatment could improve the wellbeing of old people and lead to the more rational use of resources. To conclude, the rising life expectancy brings its own issues to the government, whilst it has benefits on the individuals. I suggest that the senior citizens be treasured and encouraged to create more value for the community.
Senior citizens have a longer lifespan in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
developed countries
owing to the improvement in medical treatment and better nutrition.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
consider that growth in the aging population is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
, while others claim the opposite. In my opinion, it creates
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
issues for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
, whereas it is beneficial for the individuals.

That there is an increase in the aging population has lots of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
effects on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individuals
. Those having long life spans are able to experience various annals; henceforth, they will be more conscious about protecting nature. Providing that they give advice to their children, these children will gain a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
point of view and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
to not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
mistakes when they grow up.
In addition
, seeing one’s all family members for a long time may enhance his/her mental health. For these reasons, it is possible to say that living up to 100 will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individuals
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
a better life.

Although the aging population has upsides on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individuals
, it has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effects on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
. Longevity has enhanced governmental budgets.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Given
that elders need more supervision by the state authorities including retirement pension, healthcare expenses, or housing for those who cannot afford their rent,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
governments
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
escalate their budget to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
seniors' quality of life via increasing taxes paid by properties or businesses. On the grounds that the more citizens and businesspersons pay higher taxes, they will feel more pressure and burden.
Moreover
, public expenditure on health has a large part of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
budgets. Consideration of the ways in which the system is in place to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
certain illnesses connected with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
age or
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their treatment could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
the
Possible spelling mistake found.
wellbeing
of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
and lead to the more rational
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of resources.

To conclude
, the rising life expectancy brings its
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
issues to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
, whilst it has benefits on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individuals
. I suggest that the senior citizens
be treasured
and encouraged to create more value for the community.
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IELTS essay The growth in the aging population

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
325 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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