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The growing number of overweight people is putting a strain on the health care system in an effort to deal with the health issues involved. Some people think that the best way to deal with this problem is to introduce more physical education lessons in school curriculum. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.7

The growing number of overweight people is putting a strain on the health care system in an effort to deal with the health issues involved. Some people think that the best way to deal with this problem is to introduce more physical education lessons in school curriculum. v. 7
Nowadays, the count of Overweight people is going high. It is often argued by some people that this problem can be taken care by impending more Physical education sessions in the Education system. I echo my thoughts with them, as it brings in more awareness in Individuals. First and Foremost, People are becoming busier day by day with their packed schedule and is one of the main causes for the reduction in participating in the Physical activities. With less involvement in body movement, People are becoming heavier and heavier. Additionally, the consumption of Junk food and the use of Instant food, making the human body filled with unnecessary fats and cholesterols. Citizens should also keep in my mind that they are not only becoming a burden to themselves, but also straining the Health care system which will be run by the Government and with People's taxes. Secondly, the problem of overweight can be handled by bringing a change in school curriculum by adding more physical education to improve student’s health. As per a saying, Prevention is better than Cure, it is better to control the weight in the early stages of life. It is a tough job to reduce the weight to an overweight person, and the weight reduction involves some health hazards. So, students must be brought to aware how health plays an important role in everyone's life. To Conclude, People should become aware that health plays an important role in their lives and be cautious with their weight, and this can be achieved by introducing more physical training sessions to the students.
Nowadays, the count of Overweight
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
is going high. It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
argued by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
that this problem can
be taken
care by impending more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Physical
education sessions in the Education system. I echo my thoughts with them, as it brings in more awareness in Individuals.

First
and Foremost,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
are becoming busier day by day with their packed schedule and is one of the main causes for the reduction
Adverb repetition. Please, verify.
in participating in
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Physical
activities. With less involvement in body movement,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
are becoming heavier and heavier.
Additionally
, the consumption of Junk food and the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of Instant food, making the human body filled with unnecessary fats and
Possible spelling mistake found.
cholesterols
. Citizens should
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
in my mind that they are not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
becoming a burden to themselves,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
straining the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Health
care system which will
be run
by the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Government
and with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
People
's taxes.

Secondly
, the problem of overweight can
be handled
by bringing a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
in school curriculum by adding more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
education to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
student’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
. As per a saying, Prevention is better than Cure, it is better to control the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
weight
in the early stages of life. It is a tough job to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
weight
to an overweight person, and the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
weight
reduction involves
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
hazards.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, students
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be brought
to aware how
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
plays an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
role in everyone's life.

To Conclude
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
should become aware that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
plays an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
role in their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
and be cautious with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
weight
, and this can
be achieved
by introducing more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
training sessions to the students.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
18Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes
Change your language and you change your thoughts.
Karl Albrecht

IELTS essay The growing number of overweight people is putting a strain on the health care system in an effort to deal with the health issues involved. Some people think that the best way to deal with this problem is to introduce more physical education lessons in school curriculum. v. 7

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
264 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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