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The growing number of overweight people is putting a strain on health care system in an effort to deal with tthe health issues involved. some people think that the best way to deal with this problem is to inroduce more physical education lessons in the school curriculum. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

The growing number of overweight people is putting a strain on health care system in an effort to deal with tthe health issues involved. some people think that the best way to deal with this problem is to inroduce more physical education lessons in the school curriculum. VL0K
A fragile community health care system has been considered as the key factor for the thriving obesity problem and a portion of experts has suggested that the addition of physical exercise courses in school syllabus would be the optimum solution to mitigate this mess. I completely agree that addition of such kind of scheme in study course would be a good idea. Childhood is considered as the best period of learning and engaging students with physical education course will help them to lead a healthy life. Moreover studying physical education in school, pupils will not only perceive the theory but also they will actively take part in various physical exercises. A research has conducted by scientists from USA on a number of teens who had been suffering from overweight problem for a long period and after involving them with sports activities, their health condition alleviated noticeably. Furthermore, selection of wrong food choice is another vital factor of fatness. Physical education course provide an opportunity to select hygienic food items which help pupils to stay away from junk foods. Fatty people usually struggle with various ailments such as diabetics, heart blockade and so on because of leading reckless life style. If people participate in sport activities and maintain healthy diet from young age, they become free from any diseases in their later life. After realizing the catastrophic affects of obesity, various developed nations has already subsumed physical exercise course in their school syllabus. in conclusion, pupils who involved with game play and learn how to stay healthy through their study subjects, usually get free from health related complications.
A fragile community health care system has
been considered
as the key factor for the thriving obesity problem and a portion of experts has suggested that the addition of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
exercise
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
courses
in school syllabus would be the optimum solution to mitigate this mess. I completely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that addition of such kind of scheme in study
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
course
would be a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
.

Childhood
is considered
as the best period of learning and engaging students with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
education
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
course
will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them to lead a healthy life.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Moreover
studying
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
education in school, pupils will not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
perceive the theory
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
they will
actively
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
take part
in various
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
exercises.
Uncountable nouns are usually not used with an indefinite article. Use simply "research".
A research
has conducted by scientists
A determiner is probably missing here: "from the USA".
from USA
on a number of teens who had been suffering from overweight problem for a long period and after involving them with sports activities, their health condition alleviated
noticeably
.

Furthermore
, selection of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
food choice is another vital factor of fatness.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Physical
education
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
course
provide an opportunity to select hygienic food items which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
pupils to stay away from junk foods. Fatty
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
usually
struggle with various ailments such as diabetics, heart blockade and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
on
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of leading reckless life style. If
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
participate in sport activities and maintain healthy diet from young age, they become free from any diseases in their later life. After realizing the catastrophic affects of obesity, various developed nations has already subsumed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
exercise
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
course
in their school syllabus.

This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
in
conclusion, pupils who involved with game play and learn how to stay healthy through their study subjects,
usually
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
free from health related complications.

IELTS essay The growing number of overweight people is putting a strain on health care system in an effort to deal with tthe health issues involved. some people think that the best way to deal with this problem is to inroduce more physical education lessons in the school curriculum.

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
267 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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