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The graphs below show the value of Australian trading with China, Japan and the United States. (Value is estimated in term of australian dollars - billions) v.1

The graphs below show the value of Australian trading with China, Japan and the United States. (Value is estimated in term of australian dollars - billions) v. 1
Internet technology is playing an important role in our daily routine of office work and daily household work and our entertainment purpose. However, there are adverse effect also if not used in a proper way, under adults or parent’s supervision. I completely agree that parents and children would have to face inappropriate situations provided their children are not using the cyber space under their supervision. To begin with, there are ample advantages of the Web in student’s study, education and research experiments, as most schools have adopted the World Wide Web and social medial things in their study culture. Parents, adults, youngsters are using different social media sites like Facebook, YouTube etc. , a lot more to get connected to their family members, friends and sometimes unknown people from own or remote city/country. In recent studies it is shown, in India especially, 70-80% population has adopted different social media sites, after a huge price down in the smart phone market and browsing data. On the other side, if online network and social sites are not being used properly, moreover, it will take you on the wrong path. Easily available internet data and affordability of smart phones has made the situation worse. Youngsters are using social media sites whole time, in their school and at home without their parent’s supervision. Accidently or due to lack of knowledge, children are seeing sexual and adult content. Children feel isolated at their home, as their parents are either busy in their office and home related work and unable to give quality of time to their kids. Recent studies show, there is a tremendous growth in child crime like kid’s kidnapping, child pornography, etc. Furthermore, all these are started from social media connection with unknown people or websites which are not advisable for children. In conclusion, I would like to say, if adult siblings and parents would give some attention and time to their children and educate them about the ethical uses of the internet and social media sites, they would be safer and away from life threatening situations more.
Internet technology is playing an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
role in our daily routine of office work and daily household work and our entertainment purpose.
However
, there are adverse effect
also
if not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
Consider replacing "in a proper way" with the adverb for "proper"; e.g., "in a hasty manner" with "hastily".
in a proper way
, under
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adults
or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parent’s
supervision. I completely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
would
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
face inappropriate situations provided their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are not using the cyber space under their supervision.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, there are ample advantages of the Web in student’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
, education and research experiments, as most schools have adopted the World Wide Web and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
medial things in their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
culture.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Parents
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adults
, youngsters are using
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sites
like Facebook, YouTube etc.
Put a space after the comma, but not before the comma
,
a lot more to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
connected to their family members, friends and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
unknown
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
from
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
or remote city/country. In recent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studies
it
is shown
, in India
especially
, 70-80% population has adopted
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sites
, after a huge price down in the smart phone market and browsing data.

On the other side, if online network and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sites
are not being
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
properly
,
moreover
, it will take you on the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
path.
Easily
available internet data and affordability of smart phones has made the situation worse. Youngsters are using
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sites
whole time, in their school and at home without their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parent’s
supervision.
Possible spelling mistake found.
Accidently
or due to lack of knowledge,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are seeing sexual and adult content.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Children
feel isolated at their home, as their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
are either busy in their office and home related work and unable to give quality of time to their kids. Recent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studies
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
, there is a tremendous growth in child crime like kid’s kidnapping, child pornography, etc.
Furthermore
, all these are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
connection with unknown
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
or websites which are not advisable for children.

In conclusion
, I would like to say, if adult siblings and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
would give
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
attention and time to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
and educate them about the ethical
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
uses
of the internet and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sites
, they would be safer and away from life threatening situations more.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay The graphs below show the value of Australian trading with China, Japan and the United States. (Value is estimated in term of australian dollars - billions) v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
345 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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