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The graph shows the percent of academic facilities in 2012 between male and female. v.1

The graph shows the percent of academic facilities in 2012 between male and female. v. 1
This bar graph illustrates the proportion of Academic group in the majors by male and female at 2012 measured by percentage. In art, the proportion of females was higher than males at approximately sixty. On the other side, in science the ratio of male was more than female at approximately eighty, respectively. In addition, it is obvious that in business the rate of female was decreased than males at almost forty. Moreover, in law the percentage of females was lower than males at exactly forty Regarding to engineering, this figure has reached its peak at approximately eighty in males. While, in females at the lowest point at about twenty. Focusing on medicine, it is oblivious there is stability in the middle of Forty and Sixty between male and female respectively. In art, the proportion of females was higher than males at approximately sixty. On the other side, in science the ratio of male was more than female at approximately eighty, respectively. In addition, it is obvious that in business the rate of female was decreased than males at almost forty. Moreover, in law the percentage of females was lower than males at exactly forty Regarding to engineering, this figure has reached its peak at approximately eighty in males. While, in females at the lowest point at about twenty. Focusing on medicine, it is oblivious there is stability at middle of forty and sixty. Overall, as we have seen the graph indicates to the percentage of academic members by gender in 2012.
This bar graph illustrates the proportion of Academic group in the majors by male and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
female
at 2012 measured by percentage.

In art, the proportion of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
females
was higher than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
males
at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
approximately
sixty. On the other side, in science the ratio of male was more than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
female
at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
approximately
eighty,
respectively
.
In addition
, it is obvious that in business the rate of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
female
was decreased
than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
males
at almost forty.
Moreover
, in law the percentage of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
females
was lower than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
males
at exactly forty

The phrase 'Regarding to' is not correct. Use "Regarding" or "regard to".
Regarding to
engineering, this figure has reached its peak at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
approximately
eighty in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
males
.
“While” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
While
, in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
females
at the lowest point at about twenty. Focusing on medicine, it is oblivious there is stability in the middle of Forty and Sixty between male and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
female
respectively
.

In art, the proportion of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
females
was higher than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
males
at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
approximately
sixty. On the other side, in science the ratio of male was more than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
female
at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
approximately
eighty,
respectively
.
In addition
, it is obvious that in business the rate of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
female
was decreased
than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
males
at almost forty.
Moreover
, in law the percentage of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
females
was lower than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
males
at exactly forty

The phrase 'Regarding to' is not correct. Use "Regarding" or "regard to".
Regarding to
engineering, this figure has reached its peak at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
approximately
eighty in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
males
.
“While” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
While
, in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
females
at the lowest point at about twenty. Focusing on medicine, it is oblivious there is stability at middle of forty and sixty.

Overall
, as we have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
the graph indicates to the percentage of academic members by gender in 2012.
3Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
26Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes

IELTS essay The graph shows the percent of academic facilities in 2012 between male and female. v. 1

Essay
  American English
6 paragraphs
251 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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