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Te graph shows the percentage of male and female academic staff members across faculties of a major university in 2012 v.1

Te graph shows the percentage of male and female academic staff members across faculties of a major university in 2012 v. 1
It is a fact that more elderlies tend to move into nursing homes or senior houses nowadays rather than living in a house alone or with their children. This leads to that they suffer loneliness and health problems. The essay will discuss about the reasons for this phenomenon and list out some solutions. With the society development,   family structure has been changing constantly. In the past, the youth made a living close to their families and lived in a same house so that elderlies were able to enjoy their times with their children and grandchildren. However, nowadays, in order to secure an occupation, sometimes, adults need to relocate to other cities to make a living; therefore, they were too busy to take care of their parents or grandparents. As the elderly are turning older, they may suffer from chronic illnesses, such as arthritis, heart disease and so on, which will diminish their physical capacity. This will affect their daily activities including social activities. In addition, they might also suffer mental illnesses due to lack of physical fitness and family attentions. Tackling this issue of the elderly needs the cooperation of the youth and local governments. Firstly, it is necessary for adults to have a routine to spend time with their elderlies. For example, adults should visit their parents or grandparents at once a week or have a vocation to visit them annually. Secondly, daily conversation via video social media will be one of useful methods to enhance the connection with their parents or grandparents. Setting a short period and making the video calls will be an excellent way to help the elderly to reduce the sensation of loneliness. In addition, encouraging the elderlies to participate in various activities that are funded by local governments will also help the elderly live in a happy life rather than feeling lonely at home alone. In summary, the change of family structure worldwide and busy daily activities contribute that the elderly lack their family members' care. This  contributes that the elderly are having a lonely life in current societies. Therefore, encouraging youngsters to visit their parents or grandparents regularly will help to keep the elder staying healthy. Local governments also should fund more activities which are suitable for senior citizens to joint in.
It is a fact that more
Possible spelling mistake found.
elderlies
tend to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
move
into nursing homes or senior
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
houses
nowadays
rather
than living in a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
alone or with their children. This leads to that they suffer loneliness and health problems. The essay will
Did you mean simply "discuss the"? You do not need the word "about" here.
discuss about the
reasons for this phenomenon and list out
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
solutions.

With the society development,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
  family
structure has been changing
constantly
. In the past, the youth made a living close to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
and 
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lived
in a same
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that
Possible spelling mistake found.
elderlies
were able to enjoy their times with their children and grandchildren.
However
, nowadays, in order to secure an occupation,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
, adults need to relocate to other cities to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a living;
therefore
, they were too busy to take care of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
grandparents
. As the elderly are turning older, they may suffer from chronic illnesses, such as arthritis, heart disease and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
on, which will diminish their physical capacity. This will affect their daily
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
including social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
.
In addition
, they might
also
suffer mental illnesses due to lack of physical fitness and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
attentions.

Tackling this issue of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
elderly
needs the cooperation of the youth and local
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
.
Firstly
, it is necessary for adults to have a routine to spend time with their
Possible spelling mistake found.
elderlies
.
For example
, adults should visit their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
grandparents
at once a week or have a vocation to visit them
annually
.
Secondly
, daily conversation via video social media will be one of useful methods to enhance the connection with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
grandparents
. Setting a short period and making the video calls will be an excellent way to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
elderly
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
the sensation of loneliness.
In addition
, encouraging the
Possible spelling mistake found.
elderlies
to participate in various
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
that
are funded
 by local
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
will
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
the elderly 
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in a happy life
rather
than feeling lonely at home alone.

In summary, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
structure worldwide and busy daily
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
contribute that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
elderly
lack their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
members' care. This
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
  
contributes that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
elderly
are having a lonely life in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
societies.
Therefore
, encouraging youngsters to visit their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
grandparents
regularly
will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
the elder staying healthy. Local
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
also
should fund more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
which are suitable for senior citizens to joint in.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
Speak a new language so that the world will be a new world.
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IELTS essay Te graph shows the percentage of male and female academic staff members across faculties of a major university in 2012 v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
368 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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