Do you want to improve your writing? Try our new evaluation service and get detailed feedback.
Check Your Text it's free

The graph below shows the number of enquiries received by the Tourist Information Office in one city over a six-month period in 2011. v.1

The graph below shows the number of enquiries received by the Tourist Information Office in one city over a six-month period in 2011. v. 1
On this point graph we could see the statistics of multiple enquiries received in certain city Tourist Information Office over a half a year in 2011. It is obvious from the data given from the diagram that the most unpopular way for people trying to connect Tourist Information office was writing an email. People who are using this type of communication with office liked winter month from January to February more to plan their holidays. We can see numbers which talking us that they are calling from 800 to 650 times a month till March and then just falling lower and lower stopped on nearly 370 calls a month. Opposite, the most popular way to call the Tourist Office was meeting travel agent in person. The number of such customers was growing exponentially from January to June 2011. This type of people was more loyal to plan their trips in Spring or Summer what we can see represented by 1200 to 1900 meetings were placed in office from April to June. Only the second place on took the telephone type of communication. For the all reviewed period there were many more phone calls than emails, but a little bit less than meetings in person. From all the three types of communications, enquiries received by telephone were the most homogenous distributed in time. There were not such leaps as in person meeting numbers. These customers were active quite often. But as the customers who talked with travel agent personally, they more preferred warm month to plan their holidays what we can see comparing from 800 to 1000 calls from January to April 2011 to numbers increasing to 1600 calls a month from April to June. In conclusion, we can say that there were more customers that were interested in tourist information for Spring and summer months than winter months and most of enquiries were received by phone or in person, not by letter or email.
On this point graph we could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
the statistics of multiple
Possible spelling mistake. 'enquiries' is British English.
enquiries
received in certain city
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Tourist
Information
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Office
over a half a year in 2011.

It is obvious from the data
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
from the diagram that the most unpopular way for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
trying to connect
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Tourist
Information
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
office
was writing an email.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
People
who are using this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
type
of communication with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
office
liked winter
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
month
from January to February more to plan their holidays. We can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
numbers
which talking us that they are calling from 800 to 650 times a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
month
till March and then
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
falling lower and lower
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stopped
on
nearly
370
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
calls
a month.

Opposite, the most popular way to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
call
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Tourist
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Office
was
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
meeting
travel agent in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
of such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
customers
was growing
exponentially
from January to June 2011. This
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
type
of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
was more loyal to plan their trips in Spring or Summer what we can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
represented by 1200 to 1900
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
meetings
were placed
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
office
from April to June.

This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Only
the second place on took the telephone
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
type
of communication. For the all reviewed period there were
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
more phone
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
calls
than emails,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
a
Reduce redundancy by using "little" or "bit".
little bit
less than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
meetings
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
. From all the three
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
types
of communications,
Possible spelling mistake. 'enquiries' is British English.
enquiries
received by telephone were the most homogenous distributed in time. There were not such leaps as in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
meeting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
numbers
. These
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
customers
were active quite
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
as the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
customers
who talked with travel agent
personally
, they more preferred warm
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
month
to plan their holidays what we can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
comparing from 800 to 1000
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
calls
from January to April 2011 to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
numbers
increasing to 1600
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
calls
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
month
from April to June.

In conclusion
, we can say that there were more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
customers
that
were interested
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tourist
information for Spring and summer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
months
than winter
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
months
and
After 'most of', you should use 'the' ("most of the enquiries") or simply say "most enquiries".
most of enquiries
were received
by phone or in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
, not by letter or email.
1Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
40Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes
Language shapes the way we think, and determines what we can think about.
Benjamin Lee Whorf

IELTS essay The graph below shows the number of enquiries received by the Tourist Information Office in one city over a six-month period in 2011. v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
324 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
Similar posts


Recent posts