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The graph below shows the comparison between the number of applicants and the number of students who were granted admission. v.1

The graph below shows the comparison between the number of applicants and the number of students who were granted admission. v. 1
These days most of the house chores are accomplished by machines instead of utilising workforce. I believe it is the most substantial improvement as the tasks are done promptly, whereas some people are against it and says that it is unhealthy. On the one hand, utilisation of gadgets to perform household tasks is quite productive as one can save ample of time by finishing it swiftly and in turn get to spend time either with their loved ones or practising their hobbies. To illustrate this, by the usage of washing machine instead of using hands to wash the clothes would make much difference in terms of time-saving. Similarly, perfection could be observed at the same time. In a recent survey, it has posted that 40% of the female population get to be satisfied with the usage of electronic gadgets as it is letting them participate in entertaining activities. On the other hand, some people regarding the replacement of handwork with machinery as a negative development as it encourages laziness. To illustrate this, with the use of vacuum cleaners, minimal body moments were involved, and human tends to get clumsy. In other words, health issues get an invite due to lack of body moments. In a news article, it was stated that the orthopaedic patient's rate had doubled significantly due to ongoing automotive. In conclusion, the invention of machines has made ones easy, but the proportion of health issues is inclined at the same rate. However, due to advancement in computers has made the human life more productive.
These days most of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
chores
are accomplished
by machines
instead
of
Possible spelling mistake. 'utilising' is British English.
utilising
workforce. I believe it is the most substantial improvement as the tasks
are done
promptly
, whereas
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are against it and says that it is unhealthy.

On the one hand,
Possible spelling mistake. 'utilisation' is British English.
utilisation
of gadgets to perform household tasks is quite productive as one can save ample of time by finishing it
swiftly
and in turn
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
to spend time either with their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
loved
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ones
or
Possible spelling mistake. 'practising' is British English.
practising
their hobbies. To illustrate this, by the usage of washing machine
instead
of using hands to wash the clothes would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
much difference in terms of time-saving.
Similarly
, perfection could
be observed
at the same time. In a recent survey, it has posted that 40% of the female population
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
to
be satisfied
with the usage of electronic gadgets as it is letting them participate in entertaining activities.

On the other hand
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
regarding the replacement of handwork with machinery as a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
development as it encourages laziness. To illustrate this, with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of vacuum cleaners, minimal body moments
were involved
, and human tends to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
clumsy.
In other words
, health issues
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
an
Use only in informal register. In other registers, "invitation" should be used.
invite
due to lack of body moments. In a news article, it
was stated
that the
Possible spelling mistake. 'orthopaedic' is British English.
orthopaedic
patient's rate had doubled
significantly
due to ongoing automotive.

Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
In
conclusion, the invention of machines has made
Did you mean "one's"?
ones
easy,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
the proportion of health issues
is inclined
at the same rate.
However
, due to advancement in computers has made the human life more productive.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay The graph below shows the comparison between the number of applicants and the number of students who were granted admission. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
257 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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