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The graph below shows information about the activities that New Zealand and Austalian children ẹnjoy doing the most in 2007. v.1

The graph below shows information about the activities that New Zealand and Austalian children ẹnjoy doing the most in 2007. v. 1
Nowadays, there are some people believe that the main target of commerce is to earn one's living and they ought to focus on it. However, in my opinion, I totally disagree with this point of view. I think that there are other important factors that should be targeted and I will explain why in my essay. It is true that earning money is very significant to peoples' lives, but innovation is more important. In modern life, businesses are driven by the ability to solve a new problem. Google, for example, has a large capital, which successfully hires the best engineers and builds the modern infrastructures, but its social networking product, Google+, is failing to attract general customers. This is probably because Google lacks of attention on the innovation side of its social media; it tends to imitate what already existed out there. Furthermore, companies should also concentrate on upgrading their people. With the constant changes, the ability of each individual will bring the business to the next level. According to Harvard Business Reviews, business ventures which invested their fund on their employee’s knowledge tend to be succeeding in achieving the venture’s objective and winning the global market. In addition, some corporation which only focuses on maximizing income and ignores their workers’ skills will be deported from global competition. It is clear, therefore, that the continuous changes demand the collaboration of knowledgeable and creative people. In conclusion, I think that the aforementioned argument reveals that although money is very crucial for business, the other factors, such as innovation and people, cannot be disregarded.
Nowadays, there are
some
people
believe that the main target of commerce is to earn one's
living and
they ought to focus on it.
However
, in my opinion, I
totally
disagree with this point of view. I
think
that there are other
important
factors that should
be targeted
and I will
explain
why in my essay.

It is true that earning money is
very
significant to peoples'
lives
,
but
innovation is more
important
. In modern life,
businesses
are driven
by the ability to solve a new problem. Google,
for example
, has a large capital, which
successfully
hires the best engineers and builds the modern infrastructures,
but
its social networking product, Google+, is failing to attract general customers. This is
probably
because
Google lacks of attention on the innovation side of its social media; it tends to imitate what already existed out there.

Furthermore
,
companies
should
also
concentrate on upgrading their
people
. With the constant
changes
, the ability of each individual will bring the
business
to the
next
level. According to Harvard
Business
Reviews,
business
ventures which invested their fund on their employee’s knowledge tend to be succeeding in achieving the venture’s objective and winning the global market.
In addition
,
some
corporation which
only
focuses on maximizing income and
ignores
their workers’
skills
will
be deported
from global competition. It is
clear
,
therefore
, that the continuous
changes
demand the collaboration of knowledgeable and creative
people
.

In conclusion
, I
think
that the aforementioned argument reveals that although money is
very
crucial for
business
, the other factors, such as innovation and
people
, cannot
be disregarded
.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay The graph below shows information about the activities that New Zealand and Austalian children ẹnjoy doing the most in 2007. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
262 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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