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The graph below gives information on the performance of a train company in October and November in 2008 v.1

The graph below gives information on the performance of a train company in October and November in 2008 v. 1
Some leisure activities become fashionable for a short time and then disappear when a new trend comes along, whereas others seem to be perennially popular. I can therefore only partly agree with the assertion that hobbies reflect changing fashions rather than our true interests. On the one hand, it is true that many hobbies are simply passing trends. Children and teenagers, in particular, are attracted to whatever activity is currently popular among their peers. My 10-year-old niece, for example, seems to have a new interest every month, as she joins in with the latest craze that sweeps through her primary school. Over the last year or so, she has been obsessed with Rubik’s cubes, fidget spinners, squidgies and slime. In a similar way, there have been several different fitness trends for adults over recent years, from jogging to yoga to circuit training, and I doubt whether the majority of participants continued to enjoy those activities in the long term. On the other hand, many people spend their free time doing popular activities that are far from trendy. One good example would be the game chess. Children and adults who enjoy playing chess are certainly not following a new fashion or wasting their time on something that they do not truly like. On the contrary, they are passionate about a game that has existed for hundreds of years, and they find it inherently fascinating and absorbing. I would say the same about many other hobbies, from reading to swimming. In conclusion, while some people are attracted to the latest fashionable hobby, others choose their pastimes for more genuine reasons.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
leisure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
become fashionable for a short time and then disappear when a new trend
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
along, whereas others seem to be
perennially
popular. I can
therefore
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
partly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the assertion that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hobbies
reflect changing fashions
rather
than our true interests.

On the one hand, it is true that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hobbies
are
simply
passing trends. Children and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
,
in particular
,
are attracted
to whatever
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activity
is
currently
popular among their peers. My 10-year-
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
niece,
for example
, seems to have a new interest every month, as she
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
joins
in with the latest craze that sweeps through her primary school. Over the last year or
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
, she has
been obsessed
with Rubik’s cubes, fidget spinners,
Possible spelling mistake found.
squidgies
and slime.
Consider replacing "In a similar way" with the adverb for "similar"; e.g., "in a hasty manner" with "hastily".
In a similar way
, there have been several
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
fitness trends for adults over recent years, from jogging to yoga to circuit training, and I doubt whether the majority of participants continued to enjoy those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
in the long term.

On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
spend their free time doing popular
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
that are far from trendy. One
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
example would be the game chess. Children and adults who enjoy playing chess are
certainly
not following a new fashion or wasting their time on something that they do not
truly
like.
On the contrary
, they are passionate about a game that has existed for hundreds of years, and they find it
inherently
fascinating and absorbing. I would say the same about
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hobbies
, from reading to swimming.

In conclusion
, while
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are attracted
to the latest fashionable
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hobby
, others choose their pastimes for more genuine reasons.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
If we spoke a different language, we would perceive a somewhat different world.
Ludwig Wittgenstein

IELTS essay The graph below gives information on the performance of a train company in October and November in 2008 v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
268 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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