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The government money should be invested in teaching science rather than other subjects so as to help the country make progress and develop. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.1

The government money should be invested in teaching science rather than other subjects so as to help the country make progress and develop. v. 1
Some people believe that the national budget should be spent on science education in order to develop the country. Although I understand this opinion, I would argue that other subjects should be part of the core curriculum as well. Admittedly, science is an important factor for a country to develop. To begin with, it is true that people in modern society live more convenience lives as the technology has developed in many ways. In fact, many technology industries are based on science. Therefore, improving science education has been considered an efficient way to grow a country. For example, in Korea, there are many enterprises related to technology industries such as Samsung, LG and Hyundai. It is clear that the economic system has developed since these enterprises have prospered. Furthermore, the employee rate also has increased as these companies need to hire competent employees. However, I still believe that governments also need to pay attention other sectors for balanced national development. There are many other subjects that students should know about. For instance, if they do not know how to manage their budgets and invest, they can save their money as much as they could. Therefore, students need to learn the concept of economy. Also, it is beneficial to learn many different languages. Because of the globalization. Many companies need employees who can communicate with foreign customers as an international interaction with other countries are increasing. Apart from these, I believe that there are more lots of things that students need to study. In conclusion, I understand the importance of science education in national development. However, considering the aforementioned reasons such as the influence of other subjects, I believe that other fields should be taught at school for a better outcome as well.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
believe
that the national budget should
be spent
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
science
education in order to develop the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
. Although I understand this opinion, I would argue that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
subjects should be part of the core curriculum
as well
.

Admittedly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
science
is an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
factor for a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
to develop. To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, it is true that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
in modern society
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
more convenience
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
as the technology has developed in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
ways. In fact,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
technology industries
are based
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
science
.
Therefore
, improving
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
science
education has
been considered
an efficient way to grow a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
.
For example
, in Korea, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
enterprises related to technology industries such as Samsung, LG and Hyundai. It is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
that the economic system has developed since these enterprises have prospered.
Furthermore
, the employee rate
also
has increased as these
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
to hire competent employees.

However
, I
still
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
believe
that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
also
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
to pay attention
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
sectors for balanced national development. There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
subjects that students should know about.
For instance
, if they do not know how to manage their budgets and invest, they can save their money as much as they could.
Therefore
, students
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
to learn the concept of economy.
Also
, it is beneficial to learn
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
languages.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
of the globalization.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
employees who can communicate with foreign customers as an international interaction with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
are increasing. Apart from these, I
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
believe
that there are more lots of things that students
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
to study.

In conclusion
, I understand the importance of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
science
education in national development.
However
, considering the aforementioned reasons such as the influence of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
subjects, I
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
believe
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
fields should
be taught
at school for a better outcome
as well
.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay The government money should be invested in teaching science rather than other subjects so as to help the country make progress and develop. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
292 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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