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The foreign student advisor expresses his opinion of the policy for health insurance. Report his opinion and explain the reasons that he gives for having that opinion. v.1

The foreign student advisor expresses his opinion of the policy for health insurance. Report his opinion and explain the reasons that he gives for having that opinion. v. 1
Although some people think that it is good for children to have a cell phone, other people disagree and believe that there are more disadvantages for them. In this essay, I will explore the benefits and drawbacks of having a cell phone for children and explain my support for the former view. Some of the people are always against this practice as they never allow their offspring to own cellular phones. They apprehend that this activity would divert them from studies, and they become addicted to these devices, which could lead them to involve in other bad activities. To illustrate the downside of this habit, one recent research, carried out by the National Center of Education Research (NCER) has proven that the main reason for obtaining low grades is excessive usage of gadgets and its addiction. However, if these students were not provided with mobile phones, they will actively be involved in their studies. Nevertheless, some people think it is good for them, particularly for their safety and to deal with uncertainty, and I completely convinced with their view. This is because, in case of accidents and unexpected events such as natural disasters, it is always recommended to have something to communicate with their loved ones. For example, In the 2012 Tsunami, which claimed the life of thousands of people, millions of school students were displaced, and due to their cell phone, they were able to inform their parents about their locations. Certainly, mobile phones had played a huge role in trace them. In contrast, if they had not such devices to connect with their family, it would have impossible to find those missing students. In conclusion, while some opposed to the idea of allowing children to own cell phones, I completely agree with those who acknowledged the importance of mobile phones for children.
Although
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to have a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cell
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phone
, other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
disagree and believe that there are more disadvantages for them. In this essay, I will explore the benefits and drawbacks of having a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cell
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phone
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explain
my support for the former view.

If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
Some of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are always against this practice as they never
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
their offspring to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
cellular
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
. They apprehend that this activity would divert them from studies, and they become addicted to these devices, which could lead them to involve in other
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
activities. To illustrate the downside of this habit, one recent research, carried out by the National Center of Education Research (
Possible spelling mistake found.
NCER
) has proven that the main reason for obtaining low grades is excessive usage of gadgets and its addiction.
However
, if these students were not provided with mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
, they will
actively
be involved
in their studies.

Nevertheless
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
for them,
particularly
for their safety and to deal with uncertainty, and I completely convinced with their view. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
, in case of accidents and unexpected
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
such as natural disasters, it is always
The verb 'recommended' is used with the gerund form: "recommended having".
recommended to have
something to communicate with their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
loved
ones.
For example
, In the 2012 Tsunami, which claimed the life of thousands of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, millions of school students
were displaced
, and due to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cell
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phone
, they were able to inform their parents about their locations.
Certainly
, mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
had played a huge role in trace them.
In contrast
, if they had not such devices to connect with their family, it would have impossible to find those missing students.

In conclusion
, while
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
opposed to the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
of allowing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cell
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
, I completely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with those who acknowledged the importance of mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
One who speaks only one language is one person, but one who speaks two languages is two people.
Turkish proverb

IELTS essay The foreign student advisor expresses his opinion of the policy for health insurance. Report his opinion and explain the reasons that he gives for having that opinion. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
304 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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