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Unpaid community service should be a compulsory part of high school programs (for example, working for a charity, improving the neighborhood, or teaching sports to younger children). To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.2

Unpaid community service should be a compulsory part of high school programs (for example, working for a charity, improving the neighborhood, or teaching sports to younger children). v. 2
It is a controversial issue as to whether institutions should hire different types of sports as a means of advertising their products, which brings myriads of benefits, or, whether if goods of organizations display on the sports ground, it will reduce selling the item and the company as well. From my perspective, advertising various brands of the organization might bring a positive outcome rather than negatives. To begin with, numerous companies, these days, advert their items like sports accessories during the sporting event. As a result, the products of the business tycoon sell easily since customers know about an item before purchasing through ads. For example, in the USA, a famous brand of sports shoes named APEX bombards one after other advertisements on TV, even in the playground, because people can easily observe signboards of APEX's shoes. Furthermore, as business organizations provide money to the sports event organization and sportsperson to telecast their brands in front of the audience, they earn a tripled profit not only from customers of their brands but also from the organizing committee. Thus, doing sponsor of any sports is a profitable task for the organization. In contrast, although the lights of different cameras focus on the advertisers' products, at times, clients get confused to buy the same item of various brands. To illustrate, like the USA, top-rated APEX company, who broadcasts their products in the World Cup tournament, while other brands such as Bay, 'Rose Garden' display their items on the same event. For that reason, the public cannot choose the quality products because of confusion, which eventually, could lead the company to bear the loss for decreasing in selling. Moreover, companies remain on strain for selling their products and gaining other subsidies from events. Thus, this pressure shows drawbacks all the time. In conclusion, though some people believe that if companies sponsor sports will get into traps for the shortcomings that emerge from events, the benefits are more than drawbacks as the company may sell their goods and gain profit a lot.
It is a controversial issue
Consider shortening this phrase to just "whether", or rephrase the sentence to avoid "as to".
as to whether
institutions should hire
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
types of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
as a means of advertising their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
, which brings myriads of benefits, or, whether if
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
goods
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
organizations
display on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
ground, it will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
selling the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
item
and the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
as well
. From my perspective, advertising various
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
brands
of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
organization
might bring a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
outcome
rather
than negatives.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, numerous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
, these days, advert their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
items
like
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
accessories during the sporting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
event
.
As a result
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
of the business tycoon sell
easily
since customers know about an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
item
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
purchasing through ads.
For example
, in the USA, a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
brand
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
shoes named APEX bombards one after other advertisements on TV, even in the playground,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
can
easily
observe signboards of APEX's shoes.
Furthermore
, as business
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
organizations
provide money to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
event
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
organization
and sportsperson to telecast their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
brands
in front of the audience, they earn a tripled profit not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
from customers of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
brands
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
from the organizing committee.
Thus
, doing sponsor of any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
is a profitable task for the organization.

In contrast
, although the lights of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
cameras focus on the advertisers'
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
, at times, clients
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
confused to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
the same
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
item
of various
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
brands
. To illustrate, like the USA, top-rated APEX
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
, who broadcasts their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
in the World Cup tournament, while other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
brands
such as Bay, 'Rose Garden' display their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
items
on the same
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
event
. For that reason, the public cannot choose the quality
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of confusion, which
eventually
, could lead the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
to bear the loss for decreasing in selling.
Moreover
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
remain on strain for selling their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
and gaining other subsidies from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
events
.
Thus
, this pressure
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
drawbacks all the time.

In conclusion
, though
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe that if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
sponsor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
into traps for the shortcomings that emerge from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
events
, the benefits are more than drawbacks as the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
may sell their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
goods
and gain profit a lot.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Unpaid community service should be a compulsory part of high school programs (for example, working for a charity, improving the neighborhood, or teaching sports to younger children). v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
338 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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