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the first chart shows how energy is used in an average australian household. the second chart shows the greenhouse ga emissions which result from this energy use v.1

the first chart shows how energy is used in an average australian household. the second chart shows the greenhouse ga emissions which result from this energy use v. 1
It is commonly claimed that animals must not be put in zoos and it has become a widespread one in recent decades, with many individuals holding different beliefs. Personally, I agree with the above expressed statement, and there are many compelling reasons to support my view. On the one hand, there are a clear rationals to not be kept wild animals in zoos. To start with the first reason is that animals have a right as humans to live in natural habitat. If we keep them in zoos they feel themselves in an artificial environment. They lost their freedom to hunt for food. Moreover, they can live no longer in cages and limited space. The best way to save endangered species is by protecting natural habitats. In addition, zoo exhibits wild animals with the aim of making money that is unethical and we have no rights to use animals for entertainment and profit. On the other hand, it is a true advocate that zoos play an important role in wildlife conservation because they help to preserve endangered animals. Besides, zoos are beneficial for researching that many scientists study closely animals and their behaviour there. A fart from this, children in particular enjoy learning about animals. Such as, birds, fish, lion and even monkeys are educational, interesting and fun. It is my believe that zoos can provide a job opportunity. Many people may feed their families related to their jobs which are require responsibility for care animals in zoos. In conclusion, from the given range of arguments, even if zoos might be useful for wild animals in order to preserve there. I concur that animals should not keep as captives in zoos.
It is
commonly
claimed that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
not
be put
in zoos and it has become a widespread one in recent decades, with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
individuals holding
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
beliefs.
Personally
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the above expressed statement, and there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
compelling reasons to support my view.

On the one hand, there are a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
Don't use indefinite articles with plural words. Did you mean "rational"?
rationals
to not be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
kept
wild
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals
in zoos.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
with the
first
reason is that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals
have a right as humans to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in natural habitat.
“If” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
If
we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
them in zoos they feel themselves in an artificial environment. They lost their freedom to hunt for food.
Moreover
, they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
no longer in cages and limited space. The best way to save endangered species is by protecting natural habitats.
In addition
, zoo exhibits wild
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals
with the aim of making money
that is
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
unethical and
we have no rights to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals
for entertainment and profit.

On the other hand
, it is a true advocate that zoos play an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
role in wildlife conservation
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
to preserve endangered
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals
.
Besides
, zoos are beneficial for researching that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
scientists study
closely
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals
and their
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
there. A fart from this, children
in particular
enjoy learning about
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals
. Such as, birds, fish, lion and even monkeys are educational, interesting and fun. It is my
Did you mean "belief" (noun) instead of believe (verb)?
believe
that zoos can provide a job opportunity.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
may feed their families related to their jobs which are
Consider using a past participle here: "required".
require
responsibility for care
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals
in zoos.

In conclusion
, from the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
range of arguments, even if zoos might be useful for wild
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals
in order to preserve there. I concur that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals
should not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
as captives in zoos.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay the first chart shows how energy is used in an average australian household. the second chart shows the greenhouse ga emissions which result from this energy use v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
281 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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