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Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? The extended family is not as important now as before.

The extended family is not as important now as before. pewJy
Based on the National Statistics Office, in the year 2022, 88% of the Korean populace support the perspective that extended family is as important now as before. However, unlike the consensus view, I strongly believe that family members are not as important as before: namely, grandparents, cousins, and so forth. I will delineate my thought in the following paragraphs. To begin with, in this modern society, majority of extended family members generally do not inhabit the same house. People tend to live in different places in different countries. Nevertheless, in the past, people had to occupy the same area in order to survive. Since farming requires cooperation and collective effort, they needed each other for their survival. My grandma Okja is an epitome to demonstrate my thoughts further. When she was still a child, her parents possess a large farm land. Since her parents cannot manage the farm by themselves, they invited their extended family members to join the activities. Since the farm was the only farm in the town that provided food for people, their family members volunteered for help my her parents and cooperated. Without their the family members’ assistant, it would have been difficult for all of the family members to survive. On top of that, most folks abandon their province and go to cities for better quality of life. For instance, some leave the place to study abroad, while some leave due to obtain high salaries. My own experience is a compelling demonstration to exemplify my opinion. When I was younger, since I though that studying abroad will be advantageous in attaining better occupation in the future, I decided to study abroad in the States. Since my house was far away from my cousins, there was less opportunity for meet to hang out with my cousins. For this reason, our relationship deteriorated and ended up having awkward relationship.
Based on the National Statistics Office, in the year 2022, 88% of the Korean populace support the perspective that extended
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
is as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
.
However
, unlike the consensus view, I
strongly
believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
members
are not as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
:
namely
, grandparents, cousins, and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
forth. I will delineate my
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
in the following paragraphs.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, in this modern society,
It seems that an article is missing.
majority of
extended
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
members
generally
do not inhabit the same
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
People
tend to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
places in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
countries.
Nevertheless
, in the past,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
had to occupy the same area in order to survive. Since farming requires cooperation and collective effort, they needed each other for their survival. My grandma
Possible spelling mistake found.
Okja
is an epitome to demonstrate my thoughts
further
. When she was
still
a child, her parents possess a large
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
farm
land. Since her parents cannot manage the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
farm
by themselves, they invited their extended
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
members
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
join
the activities. Since the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
farm
was the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
farm
in the town that provided food for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
, their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
members
volunteered for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
my her parents and cooperated. Without their the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
members’
assistant, it would have been difficult for
Consider using "all the".
all of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
members
to survive.

On top of that
, most folks abandon their province and go to cities for better quality of life.
For instance
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
the place to study abroad, while
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
due to obtain high salaries. My
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
experience is a compelling demonstration to exemplify my opinion. When I was younger, since I though that studying abroad will be advantageous in attaining better occupation in the future, I decided to study abroad in the States. Since my
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
was far away from my cousins, there was less opportunity for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
to hang out with my cousins.
For this reason
, our relationship deteriorated and ended up having awkward relationship.
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IELTS essay The extended family is not as important now as before.

Essay
  American English
3 paragraphs
312 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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