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The effect of youth crimes on life expectancy and educational economy?

The effect of youth crimes on life expectancy and educational economy? bEOVY
In many second world  countries, a huge number of crimes recorded  by youth mostly.  Although youth crime affects on life expectancy, education, and economic. Thus this countries can't ameliorate themselves as should be. In Latin countries, the rate of life expectancy is above international average. Local experts presume most young men and teenagers killed by cartels, even that they worked for them. Furthermore, many arrested young people can't be a good parents mentally, so they don't take risk to have a child. In poor countries, educated gain less money rather than criminals, thus teenagers attract more to crime instead of education. In result, criminal behavior improve and law enforcement get harder for government. By less education and population rate, a country has fewer employers and workers. Therefore economic shifts to phenomenon called bankruptcy. For that government ask more tasks from people, and allow to foreign corporations to plunder their unused potential. In conclusion, they are many effects caused by youth crime. In my point of view, making enterprising markets and also trustable education deter youth from crime. As a consequence,  Japan has highest life expectancy and lowest youth crime rate by unique economic and high tech education.
In
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many
second world
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countries
, a huge number of
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crimes
recorded
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by
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youth
mostly
.  Although
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youth
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crime
affects on life expectancy,
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education
, and economic.
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Thus
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this
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countries
can't ameliorate themselves as should be.

In Latin
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countries
, the rate of life expectancy is above international average. Local experts presume most young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
killed by cartels, even that they worked for them.
Furthermore
,
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many
arrested young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
can't be a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
parents mentally,
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so
they don't take
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
to have a child.

In poor
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countries
, educated gain less money
rather
than criminals,
thus
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
attract more to
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crime
instead
of
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education
. In result, criminal behavior
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
and law enforcement
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get
harder for
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government
.

By less
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education
and population rate, a
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country
has fewer employers and workers.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Therefore
economic shifts to phenomenon called bankruptcy. For that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
ask more tasks from
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
, and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
to foreign corporations to plunder their unused potential.

In conclusion
, they are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
effects caused by
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youth
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
. In my point of view, making enterprising markets and
also
trustable
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education
deter
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youth
from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
. As a consequence,
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Japan has
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highest
life expectancy and lowest
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youth
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
rate by unique economic and high tech
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
.
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IELTS essay The effect of youth crimes on life expectancy and educational economy?

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
197 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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