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the diagrams below show the stages and aquipment used in the cement-making process and how cement is used to produce concrete for building purposes. v.1

the diagrams below show the stages and aquipment used in the cement-making process and how cement is used to produce concrete for building purposes. v. 1
In this globalised era, the establishment of a new business is highly increased. Certainly, few people reckon that the quantum of money earned in a business is the ultimate factor to determine a personal achievement, whereas there are other parts like trust and reputations, which are highly conducive to assess victory of the company. In this essay, I shall explain the reasons for the latter viewpoint, along with the other contributing methods to estimate the success rate. On the one hand, there are myriad reasons to claim the money as a deciding factor for success in a business man's life. First and foremost, money has the highest visibility, while it is directly connected with the status of a person, whereas it shows via the lifestyle of an individual. A businessman, for instance, who possesses a huge revenue would definitely upgrade his living style like, a house, an expensive car, and other real-estate properties and so on. Consequently, people could find that the business person made the biggest turnover in his firms through the visibility. On the contrary, while it is true that the profit gained through the business could depict a man's victory, this could not be considered as the exact symbol of achievement. Firstly, a good conglomerate could be recognised by the reputation it earns through the proper administrations like, providing a regular salary to staffs, maintaining high-end infrastructure, tie-up with overseas traders, and finally the revenue it generates. Since, all these aspects are interlinked with one another, if failing to satisfy one condition could end up in a massive pitfall for this private firm, hence, the reliability is paramount. In conclusion, the quantum of money earned by a person in his business might depict his supremacy, but still, there are other factors like standards and honour would be a relevant factor to ascertain an individual victory.
In this
Possible spelling mistake. 'globalised' is British English.
globalised
era, the establishment of a new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
is
highly
increased.
Certainly
, few
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
reckon that the quantum of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
earned in a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
is the ultimate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
factor
to determine a personal achievement, whereas there are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
parts like trust and reputations, which are
highly
conducive to assess victory of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
. In this essay, I shall
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explain
the reasons for the latter viewpoint, along with the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
contributing methods to estimate the success rate.

On the one hand, there are myriad reasons to claim the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
as a deciding
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
factor
for success in a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
man
's life.
First
and foremost,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
has the highest visibility, while it is
directly
connected with the status of a person, whereas it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
via the lifestyle of an individual. A businessman,
for instance
, who possesses a huge revenue would definitely upgrade his living style like, a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
, an expensive car, and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
real-estate properties and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
on.
Consequently
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
could find that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
person made the biggest turnover in his firms through the visibility.

On the contrary
, while it is true that the profit gained through the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
could depict a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
man
's victory, this could not
be considered
as the exact symbol of achievement.
Firstly
, a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
conglomerate could be
Possible spelling mistake. 'recognised' is British English.
recognised
by the reputation it earns through the proper administrations like, providing a regular salary to staffs, maintaining high-
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
infrastructure, tie-up with overseas traders, and
finally
the revenue it generates. Since, all these aspects
are interlinked
with one another, if failing to satisfy one condition could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
up in a massive pitfall for this private firm,
hence
, the reliability is paramount.

In conclusion
, the quantum of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
earned by a person in his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
might depict his supremacy,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
still
, there are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
factors
like standards and
Possible spelling mistake. 'honour' is British English.
honour
would be a relevant
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
factor
to ascertain an individual victory.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay the diagrams below show the stages and aquipment used in the cement-making process and how cement is used to produce concrete for building purposes. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
308 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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