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The diagram shows the process of making recycled paper from old newspaper Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features and makes comparison where relevant v.1

The diagram shows the process of making recycled paper from old newspaper
Nowadays, people prefer living in small families, which is the reason to change their family structure and besides the responsibilities of male and female in building a family has become very important. According to me the perspective about the ongoing changes in the family is unnecessary. Moreover, this has more negative impacts rather that positive sides. During our grandparents and ancestors’ time there were only joint families, where children grew up with their parent, relatives and offspring under one roof. It was like an everyday festival and apart from this the environment in which a child is brought up will be peaceful. Moreover, they will be guarded by the grandparents and also learn good values from them which their parents had learnt. However, kids in the present day are not under the supervision of their parents, because both of them are working and they have no time to spend with children and enjoy each stage of the child’s growth. Therefore, the bonding between a youngster’s and elders has become distant. For instance, 15 years ago, there were no day care and toddlers were taken care by grandparents, whereas in the present-day, parents are busy with their jobs so they join their kids in the creche, since there are no elders to look after them. Secondly, the current trend in small families is that the couples get into disputes, which ends up getting divorced, because they are not under the proper guidance of elders on how to handle situations. In joint families, the conditions are contrary, where elderly people will try to solve such problems and bring peace in the family. To conclude, the changes in family structure have affected the child growth as well as troubles within the family. So, it would be better to stay in extended families to have a happy life.
Nowadays,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
prefer living in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
, which is the reason to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
structure and
besides
the responsibilities of male and female in building a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
has become
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
.
This phrase can sound awkward in English. Consider using "in my opinion" or "I think".
According to me
the perspective about the ongoing
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changes
in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
is unnecessary.
Moreover
, this has more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
impacts
rather
that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
sides.

During our grandparents and ancestors’ time there were
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
joint
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
, where children grew up with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parent
, relatives and offspring under one roof. It was like an everyday festival and apart from this the environment in which a child
is brought
up will be peaceful.
Moreover
, they will
be guarded
by the grandparents and
also
learn
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
values from them which their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
had
Possible spelling mistake. 'learnt' is British English.
learnt
.
However
, kids in the present day are not under the supervision of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
both of them are
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
working and
they have no time to spend with children and enjoy each stage of the child’s growth.
Therefore
, the bonding between a youngster’s and elders has become distant.
For instance
, 15 years ago, there were no day care and toddlers
were taken
care by grandparents, whereas in the present-day,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
are busy with their jobs
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
join
their kids in the
'creche' is an imported foreign expression, which originally has a diacritic. Consider using "crèche"
creche
, since there are no elders to look after them.

Secondly
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
trend in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
is that the couples
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
into disputes, which ends up getting divorced,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they are not under the proper guidance of elders on how to handle situations. In joint
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
, the conditions are contrary, where elderly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
will try to solve such problems and bring peace in the family.

To conclude
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changes
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
structure have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
the child growth
as well
as troubles within the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, it would be better to stay in extended
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
to have a happy life.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay The diagram shows the process of making recycled paper from old newspaper

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
304 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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