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The ConvoyThe term "convoy" describes the network of social relationship that everyone carries forward through life. The convoy provides valuable social support because it forms a protective layer of family and friends who help a person v.1

The ConvoyThe term "convoy" describes the network of social relationship that everyone carries forward through life. The convoy provides valuable social support because it forms a protective layer of family and friends who help a person v. 1
It is a fact that when people are getting old, they are having less energy and health to take a part in work life. While some people believe that governments should backing elder citizens financially, others argue that they should take responsibility for themselves. In this essay I will discuss both views and explain why I think governments should support them. Firstly, people who are thinking there is no need to be support them by management might think there is no difference between retired and non-retired ones and they can take care their financial needs individually. The most significant problem about this notion is evacuation requires a long-life time, for example 35 working years, after this term people will be old and weak. It will be unfair to expect them to handle every burden like younger citizens because they might not have a chance to work anymore for their extra needs like health care which is very important for elder citizens. The reason for this is their immune system is more fragile and they are tending to be having a disease. For instance, cancer is very common and treatments are costly to cover with retirement income. Secondly, these elder peoples have worked hard for years to get retired and authority should award with looking after them when they couldn’t. In many countries’ cultures are awaiting people to being respectful to elders. To make it clear, it is communities’ morally responsibility of taking care of them too. Also, all individuals are paying taxes for years because of their civic duty and the government's duty is included giving financial support when needed especially after retirement. In conclusion, government should support elder citizens financially because they are giving their endeavour to community for years with working and paying taxes. I wholeheartedly believe after their retirement, they should be given the care they needed by the authority.
It is a fact that when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are getting
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
, they are having less energy and health to take a part in work life. While
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
believe that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
should
The verb 'should' requires the base form of the verb: "back"
backing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
elder
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
citizens
financially
, others argue that they should take responsibility for themselves. In this essay I will discuss both views and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explain
why I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
should
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
support
them.

Firstly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who are thinking there is no need to be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
support
them by management might
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
there is no difference between retired and non-retired
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
ones and
they can take
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
their financial needs
individually
. The most significant problem about this notion is evacuation requires a long-life time,
for example
35 working years, after this term
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
will be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
and weak. It will be unfair to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
expect
them to handle every burden like younger
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
citizens
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they might not have a chance to work anymore for their extra needs like health
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
which is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
elder
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
citizens
.
The reason for this is
their immune system is more
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
fragile and
they are tending to be having a disease.
For instance
, cancer is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
common and treatments are costly to cover with retirement income.

Secondly
, these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
elder
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
peoples
have worked
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
for years to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
retired and authority should award with looking after them when they couldn’t. In
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
countries’ cultures are awaiting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to being respectful to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
elders
. To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
, it is communities’
morally
responsibility of taking
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
of them too.
Also
, all individuals are paying taxes for years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of their civic duty and the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
's duty
is included
giving financial
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
support
when needed
especially
after retirement.

In conclusion
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
support
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
elder
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
citizens
financially
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they are giving their
Possible spelling mistake. 'endeavour' is British English.
endeavour
to community for years with working and paying taxes. I
wholeheartedly
believe after their retirement, they should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
they needed by the authority.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
Learning is a treasure that will follow its owner everywhere.
Chinese Proverb

IELTS essay The ConvoyThe term "convoy" describes the network of social relationship that everyone carries forward through life. The convoy provides valuable social support because it forms a protective layer of family and friends who help a person v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
313 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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