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Briefly sumjmarize the problem the speakers are discussing. Then state which solution you would recommend. Explain the reasons for your recommendation. v.1

Briefly sumjmarize the problem the speakers are discussing. Then state which solution you would recommend. Explain the reasons for your recommendation. v. 1
In this modern era, Computers play a crucial role in our life especially for students teaching lessons in education places. While they could have some demerits, they do have some merits. On the one hand, the process of using computers in education is advantageous in some particular aspects. First and foremost, it may be used in distance learning efficiently. That is to say, tutees have the ability to take lectures from distance area and they are not required to attend class. As a result, this procedure will not only save time but also save money and efforts. An additional benefit is that communication with electronic resources. For example, by using of internet, a computer can provide unlimited resources for learning such as electronic library and this makes education more flexible. However, if learners do not use this electronic device, it may affect their learning speed. One the other hand, the drawbacks of computers are various. Initially, health issues that the learners may have. This is due to decreased physical activity by sitting for a long time in front of this device. As a consequence, it may affect blood circulation in the body as well as increase the possibility of getting obesity. It may not only affect vision but also it may cause headache. Further and more importantly, security concerns that it may happen. The reasons for this is that a computer may undergo penetration of electronic hackers. For instance, if a malware received by this device, all stored data would be under a risk of getting lost. There for, all lectures and resources could be deleted. By way of conclusion, despite the positives of distance learning and electronic resources, computers have downsides of health troubles and security challenges.
In this modern era, Computers play a crucial role in our life
especially
for students teaching lessons in education places. While they could have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
demerits, they do have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
merits.

On the one hand, the process of using computers in education is advantageous in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
particular aspects.
First
and foremost, it may be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
in distance
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learning
efficiently
.
That is
to say,
Possible spelling mistake found.
tutees
have the ability to take lectures from distance
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
area and
they are not required to attend
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
.
As a result
, this procedure will not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
save time
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
save money and efforts. An additional benefit is that communication with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
electronic
resources.
For example
, by using of internet, a computer can provide unlimited resources for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learning
such as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
electronic
library and this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
education more flexible.
However
, if learners do not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
electronic
device, it may affect their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learning
speed.

Did you mean "on"?
One
the other hand, the drawbacks of computers are various.
Initially
, health issues that the learners may have. This is due to decreased physical activity by sitting for a long time in front of this device. As a consequence, it may affect blood circulation in the body
as well
as increase the possibility of getting obesity. It may not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
affect vision
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
it may cause headache.
Further
and more
importantly
, security concerns that it may happen. The reasons for this is that a computer may undergo penetration of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
electronic
hackers.
For instance
, if a malware received by this device, all stored data would be under a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
of getting lost. There for, all lectures and resources could
be deleted
.

By way of conclusion, despite the positives of distance
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learning
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
electronic
resources, computers have downsides of health troubles and security challenges.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Briefly sumjmarize the problem the speakers are discussing. Then state which solution you would recommend. Explain the reasons for your recommendation. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
288 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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