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The charts below shows the value of one country's exports in various categories during 2015 and 2016. The table shows the percentage change in each category of exports in 2016 compared with 2015. v.1

The charts below shows the value of one country's exports in various categories during 2015 and 2016. The table shows the percentage change in each category of exports in 2016 compared with 2015. v. 1
Many people believe that in this era of consumerism, advertisement has developed into an industry, which has such a strong impact upon the people that it lures them to buy many items which are not really necessary for their needs. I fully agree with this notion because the strength of adverts can easily be observed in the society. The advancement in technology, especially electronic and social media has revolutionized the advertisement industry. Every day millions of dollars are being spent by manufactures for the publicity of their consumer products and the superstars of media and sports are being hired for the television commercials. These actors and players, who are the ideals of many people, especially the youth, present the products in such a fascinating way that their followers buy those without any necessity. For instance, now all the multi-national companies of sports costumes, like Nike and Adidas, spend a significant amount of their profit hiring these brand ambassadors. The power of advertising can be seen by the fact that now shopping has become a hobby for the present generation. The large billboards of fast foods and other products on the roadsides influence the people to try a new restaurant and buy a new model of cell phone. Similarly, the fashion industry is also flourishing because of the advertisements. New fashions are being introduced every other month to generate the revenue and this business is especially attracting the young girls. To give you an example, now the wardrobes are full of new clothes, shoes and bags which are much more than actually required by anyone to spend a comfortable life. To conclude, many consumer items are being sold in the market, without being actually required by the people, only because of extremely effective promotion and publicity.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
believe that in this era of consumerism, advertisement has developed into an industry, which has such a strong impact upon the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
that it lures them to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
items which are not
really
necessary for their needs. I
fully
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this notion
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the strength of adverts can
easily
be observed
in the society.

The advancement in technology,
especially
electronic and social media has revolutionized the advertisement industry. Every day millions of dollars are
being spent
by manufactures for the publicity of their consumer products and the superstars of media and sports are
being hired
for the television commercials. These actors and players, who are the ideals of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
,
especially
the youth, present the products in such a fascinating way that their followers
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
those without any necessity.
For instance
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
all the multi-national
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
of sports costumes, like Nike and Adidas, spend a significant amount of their profit hiring these brand ambassadors.

The power of advertising can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
by the fact that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
shopping has become a hobby for the present generation. The large billboards of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
foods and other products on the roadsides influence the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to try a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
restaurant and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
model of cell phone.
Similarly
, the fashion industry is
also
flourishing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the advertisements.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
New
fashions are
being introduced
every other month to generate the revenue and this business is
especially
attracting the young girls. To give you an example,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
the wardrobes are full of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
clothes, shoes and bags which are much more than actually required by anyone to spend a comfortable life.

To conclude
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
consumer items are
being sold
in the market, without being actually required by the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of
extremely
effective promotion and publicity.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay The charts below shows the value of one country's exports in various categories during 2015 and 2016. The table shows the percentage change in each category of exports in 2016 compared with 2015. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
295 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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