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The chart shows the percentage of students at high school in the United States who regularly take part in certain sports. v.1

The chart shows the percentage of students at high school in the United States who regularly take part in certain sports. v. 1
It is true that people now can use their cell phones to answer their personal and professional calls at any time during the day. While some may worry that this may have a negative effect on both individuals and society, I believe that the benefits it brings are far more significant. On the one hand, there are those who believe that there are certain drawbacks when people overuse their hand phones to call others. Their rationale is that these calls can disturb people’s lives. For example, a late phone call may disrupt one’s sleep and make him tired the next day. If this happens repeatedly, his physical and mental health may be negatively affected. Another downside is that if all people have the tendency to call others instead of meeting face-to-face, it can give rise to a lack of social interaction, which may undermine/ reduce social cohesion. On the other hand, I am of the opinion that such phone calls are of great benefit to people’s relationships and working efficiency. The most glaring virtue is that it can help bring people closer. For example, a student abroad can call his family members at any time to confide in when he is homesick or simply lonely. In addition to this, when people can contact their co-workers via phone instantaneously, they can handle their work more quickly, which can boost their efficiency. For instance, in a logistic company, an employee can report delivery problems immediately, and this helps the company update the state of their products to their customers timely. If companies deal with their unexpected problems effectively through such phone calls, this can make a significant contribution to the economy. In conclusion, taking into consideration all the aforementioned facts, I genuinely believe that the potential benefits that instantaneous phone calls made by people at any time bring are more significant for the reasons mentioned above.
It is true that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
their cell
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
to answer their personal and professional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
calls
at any time during the day. While
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
may worry that this may have a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effect on both individuals and society, I believe that the benefits it brings are far more significant.

On the one hand, there are those who believe that there are certain drawbacks when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
overuse their hand
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
call
others. Their rationale is that these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
calls
can disturb
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
.
For example
, a late
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phone
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
call
may disrupt one’s sleep and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
him tired the
next
day. If this happens
repeatedly
, his physical and mental health may be
negatively
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
. Another downside is that if all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have the tendency to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
call
others
instead
of meeting face-to-face, it can give rise to a lack of social interaction, which may undermine/
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
social cohesion.

On the other hand
, I am of the opinion that such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phone
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
calls
are of great benefit to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
relationships and working efficiency. The most glaring virtue is that it can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
bring
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
closer.
For example
, a student abroad can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
call
his family members at any time to confide in when he is homesick or
simply
lonely.
In addition
to this, when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can contact their co-workers via
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phone
instantaneously
, they can handle their work more
quickly
, which can boost their efficiency.
For instance
, in a logistic
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
, an employee can report delivery problems immediately, and this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
update the state of their products to their customers timely. If
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
deal with their unexpected problems
effectively
through such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phone
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
calls
, this can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a significant contribution to the economy.

In conclusion
, taking into consideration all the aforementioned facts, I
genuinely
believe that the potential benefits that instantaneous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phone
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
calls
made by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
at any time bring are more significant for the reasons mentioned above.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay The chart shows the percentage of students at high school in the United States who regularly take part in certain sports. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
314 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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