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The chart below show what UK graduates and post graduates students who did not go into full time work did after leaving college in 2008. Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparison where relevant. v.1

The chart below show what UK graduates and post graduates students who did not go into full time work did after leaving college in 2008.
Some individuals believe that spending money on public services is indispensable, rather than spending on other art forms. While I accept public services are important to the whole society so certainly the government should allocate funds for this, I also believe money spent on the arts is useful. On the one hand, I acknowledge that spending money on public services is more important. Since public services include hospitals, schools and infrastructure, which helps to give a better lifestyle to the whole community. If the higher authority does not spend a certain amount on hospitals with qualified doctors and nurses and the latest well-equipped machinery, the mortality rate will increase. Similarly, if government bodies stop providing funds for schools, the younger generation who is the future of the country will not get the education and resulting in accelerating the percentage of illiteracy and unemployment, which leads economic progress slow. On the other hand, I would argue spending money on the arts is not a waste of money due to several reasons. Firstly, the art reflects the culture and history of the country. Many countries like the USA, Europe and India have museums and many historical buildings which attracts many tourists from other parts of the world to see them, hence, to maintain and preserve these monuments requires a lot of funds from the government to support it. Secondly, there are many artists in the world like singers, painters and dancers to entertain society and their income completely depends on such arts. If they do not get support from the government, they will be penniless. As a result, the artistic sector would be on the verge of disappearance. In conclusion, although I concede that the public services should be given first priority, I believe spending money on the arts are also as important as in other sectors.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
individuals believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spending
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
public
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
services
is indispensable,
rather
than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spending
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
forms. While I accept
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
public
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
services
are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to the whole society
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
certainly
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
should allocate funds for this, I
also
believe
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
spent on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
is useful.

On the one hand, I acknowledge that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spending
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
public
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
services
is more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
. Since
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
public
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
services
include hospitals, schools and infrastructure, which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
to give a better lifestyle to the whole community. If the higher authority does not spend a certain amount on hospitals with qualified doctors and nurses and the latest well-equipped machinery, the mortality rate will increase.
Similarly
, if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
bodies
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stop
providing funds for schools, the younger generation who is the future of the country will not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
the education and resulting in accelerating the percentage of illiteracy and unemployment, which leads economic progress slow.

On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand, I would argue
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spending
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
is not a waste of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
due to several reasons.
Firstly
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
reflects the culture and history of the country.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
countries like the USA, Europe and India have museums and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
historical buildings which attracts
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
tourists from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
parts of the world to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
them,
hence
, to maintain and preserve these monuments requires
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
funds from the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
to support it.
Secondly
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
artists in the world like singers, painters and dancers to entertain society and their income completely depends on such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
. If they do not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
support from the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
, they will be penniless.
As a result
, the artistic sector would be on the verge of disappearance.

In conclusion
, although I concede that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
public
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
services
should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
first
priority, I believe
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spending
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
are
also
as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
as in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
sectors.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
He who knows no foreign languages knows nothing of his own.
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

IELTS essay The chart below show what UK graduates and post graduates students who did not go into full time work did after leaving college in 2008.

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
305 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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