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The chart below show the percentage of fatal accidents by locations in a European country. The survey was conducted in 2000. v.1

The chart below show the percentage of fatal accidents by locations in a European country. The survey was conducted in 2000. v. 1
Many people argue that sports can draw different ethnic groups together in particular when they are completions or tournaments held based on sport, as it helps nations to invoke a friendly gesture with each other. I agree with this statement. To begin with, Olympic and Paralympic are great examples. This is because majority of world countries participate once in every five-year, during this time many nations have truce in place. Which is the sign of agreement of harmony and peace, while the games are taking place, and some world-leaders might take advantage of this time to reconcile any conflicts, as a result, the political relationship improves. Aside from this, when different country players are competing in the arena, it brings many diverse cultures together to watch the game. Hence, these types of sport-based competitions promote friendliness. On the other hand, if these events are not organised then it could have an adverse effect. As there would be no opportunity for the nations to learn cultures, and for players the scope in which they play their game could become limited. For example, players would be limited to their home grounds games, and the countries may not be able to resolve their political conflicts, and thus, the relationship between them would be weakened. In conclusion, these kinds of sport events are important because they do help in advancing friendliness among world countries, this assist to strengthen the relationship. In my opinion, events such as Olympic brings wide range of ethnic audience together to watch the game, and this promote peace and harmony.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
argue that sports can draw
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
ethnic groups together
in particular
when they are completions or tournaments held based on sport, as it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
nations to invoke a friendly gesture with each other. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this statement.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, Olympic and Paralympic are great examples. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
majority of world
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
participate once in every five-year, during this time
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
nations have truce in place. Which is the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sign
of agreement of harmony and peace, while the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
are taking place, and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
world-leaders might take advantage of this time to reconcile any conflicts,
as a result
, the political relationship
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improves
. Aside from this, when
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
players are competing in the arena, it brings
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
diverse cultures together to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
the game.
Hence
, these types of sport-based competitions promote friendliness.

On the other hand
, if these
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
are not
Possible spelling mistake. 'organised' is British English.
organised
then it could have an adverse effect. As there would be no opportunity for the nations to learn cultures, and for players the scope in which they play their game could become limited.
For example
, players would
be limited
to their home grounds
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
, and the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
may not be able to resolve their political conflicts, and
thus
, the relationship between them would
be weakened
.

In conclusion
, these kinds of sport
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they do
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
in advancing friendliness among world
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
, this assist to strengthen the relationship. In my opinion,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
such as Olympic brings wide range of ethnic audience together to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
the game, and
The verb 'promote' is plural. Did you mean: "this promotes"? Did you use a verb instead of a noun?
this promote
peace and harmony.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay The chart below show the percentage of fatal accidents by locations in a European country. The survey was conducted in 2000. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
260 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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