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Some people are fond of buying new gadgets, phones, or laptops. Is this a good or bad thing? Discuss your opinion. v.4

Some people are fond of buying new gadgets, phones, or laptops. Is this a good or bad thing? Discuss your opinion. v. 4
These days, studying about family genealogy is becoming more and more popular amongst youngsters. In my opinion, this development has certain positive impacts on proactively protect people’ health and the desire to be healthier is also the main reason behind this trend. To begin with, people, especially the young, are increasingly concerned about how to improve their health, so they learn their family medical background. The history of family pathology shows the diseases of parents, grandparents and ancestors, thereby discovering genetic diseases as well as assess the risk of having these illnesses to the next generation. Take my father as an example; after being acknowledged about the benefit of researching family history on a medical magazine, he found out that both his grandmother and mother suffered from a heart disease. Then he went for a health check and the result showed that he has a heart illness too. This trend reaches its aim and is really beneficial to enhance people’s well-being. Thanks to the early detection of diseases, people can apply treatment to reduce them and live a longer life. In my father’s case, after being aware of his illness, he usually goes to hospital and strictly follow the doctor’s instructions, as well as doing more exercise and eat more vegetables. The doctor said that his disease could become serious if not being discovered and my father continued working at stressful intensity like that. This story clearly illustrates the advantage of this tendency. In conclusion, I strongly believe that people should research on their family historical background in order to beforehand find out the inherited diseases they can be passed down from their family and treat them properly to be stronger.
These days, studying about
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
genealogy is becoming more and more popular amongst youngsters. In my opinion, this development has certain
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
impacts on
proactively
protect
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’
health and the desire to be healthier is
also
the main reason behind this trend.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
,
especially
the young, are
increasingly
concerned about how to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their health,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they learn their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
medical background. The history of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
pathology
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
diseases
of parents, grandparents and ancestors, thereby discovering genetic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
diseases
as well
as assess the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
of having these illnesses to the
next
generation. Take my father as an example; after
being acknowledged
about the benefit of researching
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
history on a medical magazine, he found out that both his grandmother and mother suffered from a heart
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
disease
. Then he went for a health
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
check
and the result
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
showed
that he has a heart illness too.

This trend reaches its aim and is
really
beneficial to enhance
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
well-being. Thanks to the early detection of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
diseases
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can apply treatment to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
them and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
a longer life. In my father’s case, after being aware of his illness, he
usually
goes to hospital and
strictly
follow the doctor’s instructions,
as well
as doing more exercise and eat more vegetables. The doctor said that his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
disease
could become serious if not
being discovered
and my father continued working at stressful intensity like that. This story
clearly
illustrates the advantage of this tendency.

In conclusion
, I
strongly
believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should research on their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
historical background in order to beforehand find out the inherited
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
diseases
they can
be passed
down from their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
and treat them
properly
to be stronger.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people are fond of buying new gadgets, phones, or laptops. Is this a good or bad thing? Discuss your opinion. v. 4

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
281 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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