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The causes for people living longer

The causes for people living longer b2PNP
In recent years, there has been a rise in the number of people who age 100 or even over 100. From my point of view, there are three main causes for this phenomenon. Firstly, with the development of medical care, many fatal diseases such as malaria or yellow fever can now be cured. Nowadays, scientists have conducted experiments and made researches to find the best ways to treat diseases. Moreover, with the help of advanced technology, doctors can diagnose the illness at a very early stage, which makes it better to treat and help patients defeat the disease. Secondly, people now are having better chances to eat healthier food. In addition, scientists are putting more effort to improve the quality of vegetables. Additionally, there are people giving advice about how and what to eat to lead a healthier lifestyle. Last but not least, people always try to exercise as much as they could to improve their health. However, they have to make sure they are exercising in moderation in order to keep their body not only fit but also healthy. From what I have discussed above, people are living longer because of three main causes: the development of health care helps treat many fatal diseases, a healthier diet and doing exercises frequently to maintain a healthy body.
In recent years, there has been a rise in the number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who age 100 or even over 100. From my point of view, there are three main causes for this phenomenon.

Firstly
, with the development of medical care,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
fatal diseases such as malaria or yellow fever can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
be cured
. Nowadays, scientists have conducted experiments and made researches to find the best ways to treat diseases.
Moreover
, with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
of advanced technology, doctors can diagnose the illness at a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
early stage, which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
it better to treat and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
patients defeat the disease.

Secondly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
are having better chances to eat healthier food.
In addition
, scientists are putting more effort to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
the quality of vegetables.
Additionally
, there are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
giving advice about how and what to eat to lead a healthier lifestyle.

Last
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
not least,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
always try to exercise as much as they could to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their health.
However
, they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
sure they are exercising in moderation in order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
their body not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
fit
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
healthy.

From what I have discussed above,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are living longer
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of three main causes: the development of health care
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
treat
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
fatal diseases, a healthier diet and doing exercises
frequently
to maintain a healthy body.
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IELTS essay The causes for people living longer

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
217 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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