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The carts below give the information about workforce composition in the UK, and about average hourly earnings. v.1

The carts below give the information about workforce composition in the UK, and about average hourly earnings. v. 1
It is sometimes argued that high school students should be made to do some work in their local communities. While I disagree with the idea of making such programmes compulsory, I do believe that voluntary community service could benefit young people. There are several reasons why I would argue against having compulsory community service for secondary school students. Firstly, the school curriculum is already full with important academic subjects, such as maths, science and languages. For example, I remember having an extremely busy timetable when I was in high school, and it would not have been possible to add it. Secondly, students' performance in other subjects would be affected if valuable study time were taken by charity work or neighbourhood improvement schemes. Finally, I believe that teenage students would be reluctant to take part in any programme of obligatory work, and this could lead to poor motivation and even bad behaviour. On the other hand, the opportunity to do voluntary community service could be extremely positive for high school students. By making these programmes optional, schools would ensure that only motivated students take part. These young people would gain valuable experience in an adult working environment, which could help to build their self confidence and enhance their skills. Having such experience and skills on their CVs could greatly improve school leavers' career prospects. For instance, a period of voluntary work experience might impress a university admissions officer or a future employer. In conclusion, although I do not believe having community service as a mandatory part of high school curriculum is a good idea, making it optional can create a great impact on students' career.
It is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
argued that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
high
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
should
be made
to do
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
in their local
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
communities
. While I disagree with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
of making such
Possible spelling mistake. 'programmes' is British English.
programmes
compulsory, I do believe that voluntary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
community
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
service
could benefit young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.

There are several reasons why I would argue against
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
having
compulsory
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
community
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
service
for secondary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
.
Firstly
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
curriculum is already
The usual collocation for "full" is "of" not "with". Did you mean "full of"?
full with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
academic subjects, such as
Possible spelling mistake. 'maths' is British English.
maths
, science and languages.
For example
, I remember
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
having
an
extremely
busy timetable when I was in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
high
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
, and it would not have been possible to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
add
it.
Secondly
, students' performance in other subjects would be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
if valuable study time
were taken
by charity
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
or
Possible spelling mistake. 'neighbourhood' is British English.
neighbourhood
improvement schemes.
Finally
, I believe that teenage
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
would be reluctant to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
take part
in any
Possible spelling mistake. 'programme' is British English.
programme
of obligatory
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
, and this could lead to poor motivation and even
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
.

On the other hand
, the opportunity to do voluntary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
community
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
service
could be
extremely
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
high
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
. By making these
Possible spelling mistake. 'programmes' is British English.
programmes
optional,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
would ensure that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
motivated
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
take part
. These young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
would gain valuable experience in an adult working environment, which could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
to build their
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
self confidence
and enhance their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Having
such experience and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
on their
Possible spelling mistake found.
CVs
could
greatly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
school leavers
' career prospects.
For instance
, a period of voluntary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
experience might impress a university admissions officer or a future employer.

In conclusion
, although I do not believe
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
having
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
community
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
service
as a mandatory part of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
high
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
curriculum is a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
, making it optional can create a great impact on students' career.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
Knowledge of languages is the doorway to wisdom.
Roger Bacon

IELTS essay The carts below give the information about workforce composition in the UK, and about average hourly earnings. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
274 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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