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The bar graph below shows the number of male and female research students studying six subjects at a US university in 2011. Summarize the information by selecting and report in th main features, and make comparisons where relevant. v.1

The bar graph below shows the number of male and female research students studying six subjects at a US university in 2011.
Nowadays, noise pollution is raising many concerns for people. Hence, the government should create strict policies to limit the noise people generate in the community. This essay will explore the merits and drawbacks of this. First of all, noise is now a major concern in most communities, especially in urban areas where noise produced by construction workers using heavy machinery, honking of cars, music and overpopulation and the likes, are the order of the day. This level of noise causes lots of distraction, stress, headaches, and in the long run can lead to hearing difficulties. If the government ensure strict laws to prohibit avoidable sounds and excessive noise making in the community will lead to more productivity among workers as they will be able to focus on their work and as well as reducing the risk of becoming deaf in the future. For example, a recent study proved that individuals that get exposed to over 20 decibels of noise on a daily basis are likely to develop tinnitus, which is a perception of ringing or sounds in the ear, and eventual deafness. On the other hand, if the government gives strict rules to control the level of noise people make. This will cause development to slow down. First, the rate at which building is constructed to meet the rapid development of the community will reduce. For instance, a building company using heavy machinery does so, to meet up with delivery time as well as to deliver a fine project. Secondly, it is quite difficult to restrict the amount of noise a person makes. After all it is their right to make noise. For example, it will be unfair to limit the noise people make when they are celebrating. To conclude, the merits of reducing noise are that people will become productive due to less interference in their work and the chances of suffering from deafness will be reduced. While, the drawbacks are that, it may be unnecessary due to the rate of development and may violate human right.
Nowadays,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
noise
pollution is raising
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
concerns for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
Hence
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should create strict policies to limit the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
noise
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
generate in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
community
. This essay will explore the merits and drawbacks of this.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
noise
is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
a major concern in most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
communities
,
especially
in urban areas where
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
noise
produced by construction workers using heavy machinery, honking of cars, music and overpopulation and the likes, are the order of the day. This level of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
noise
causes lots of distraction,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
, headaches, and in the long run can lead to hearing difficulties. If the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
ensure strict laws to prohibit avoidable sounds and excessive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
noise
making in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
community
will lead to more productivity among workers as they will be able to focus on their work and
as well
as reducing the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
of becoming deaf in the future.
For example
, a recent study proved that individuals that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
exposed to over 20 decibels of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
noise
on a daily basis are likely to develop tinnitus, which is a perception of ringing or sounds in the ear, and eventual deafness.

On the other hand
, if the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
gives strict
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
rules
to control the level of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
noise
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
. This will cause development to slow down.
First
, the rate at which building
is constructed
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
the rapid development of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
community
will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
.
For instance
, a building
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
using heavy machinery does
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
, to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
up with delivery time
as well
as to deliver a fine project.
Secondly
, it is quite difficult to restrict the amount of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
noise
a person
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
makes
.
“After” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
After
all it is their right to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
noise
.
For example
, it will be unfair to limit the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
noise
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
when they are celebrating.

To conclude
, the merits of reducing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
noise
are that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
will become productive due to less interference in their work and the chances of suffering from deafness will be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduced
. While, the drawbacks are that, it may be unnecessary due to the rate of development and may violate human right.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay The bar graph below shows the number of male and female research students studying six subjects at a US university in 2011.

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
338 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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