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The bar chart below shows the percentage of population playing ten top sports in Canada in 1998 and 2005. v.1

The bar chart below shows the percentage of population playing ten top sports in Canada in 1998 and 2005. v. 1
Nowadays children are too addicted to gadgets like computers and electronic entertainment, therefore, playing outdoors, sports and being involved in more traditional pastimes are better than engaging these indoor games all the time. In my opinion, I believe that it is more beneficial for children to expose to different kind of outside sports and this would have an impact to their interpersonal social skills as well. Firstly, young people who are always playing sports outside are definite that these physical activities make them strong and healthy. A good example to illustrate this idea is that when children play the games like football, basketball or cricket these would entail too much of energy and make their muscles are in a training mode. Furthermore, being sports minded this would motivate you to being active and always be fit. Secondly, for the kids who are taking part in more traditional pastimes are the one who has developed camaraderie, interpersonal relationships etc. This would train them in learning the art of teamwork, develop skills vital for competitions and nourish their leadership qualities. Moreover, these skills will be a good foundation for the children that undoubtedly it would apply later in their career life. Finally, being active that starts in a young age are more beneficial to their health like control the weight, reduce symptoms of anxiety and depression, and reduce the risk of developing health conditions such as heart disease, cancer etc. In conclusion, children should always motivate to engage outdoors activities and introduce them the traditional sports that would make them more interest and able to learn the benefits that would last for their lifetime if they keep on playing sports.
Nowadays
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are too addicted to gadgets like computers and electronic entertainment,
therefore
, playing outdoors,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
and
being involved
in more traditional pastimes are better than engaging these indoor games all the time. In my opinion, I believe that it is more beneficial for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to expose to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
kind of outside
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
and this would have an impact to their interpersonal social
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
as well
.

Firstly
, young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who are always playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
outside are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
definite
that these physical activities
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them strong and healthy. A
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
example to illustrate this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
is that when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
play the games like football, basketball or cricket these would entail too much of energy and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
their muscles are in a training mode.
Furthermore
, being
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
minded this would motivate you to being active and always
be fit
.

Secondly
, for the kids who are taking part in more traditional pastimes are the one who has developed camaraderie, interpersonal relationships etc. This would train them in learning the art of teamwork, develop
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
vital for competitions and nourish their leadership qualities.
Moreover
, these
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
will be a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
foundation for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
that
undoubtedly
it would apply later in their career life.

Finally
, being active that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
starts
in a young age are more beneficial to their health like control the weight,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
symptoms of anxiety and depression, and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
of developing health conditions such as heart disease, cancer etc.

In conclusion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should always motivate to engage outdoors activities and introduce them the traditional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
that would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them more interest and able to learn the benefits that would last for their lifetime if they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
on playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay The bar chart below shows the percentage of population playing ten top sports in Canada in 1998 and 2005. v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
278 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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