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High school students are usually not good at managing money. What are the reasons? What are the solutions? v.1

High school students are usually not good at managing money. What are the reasons? What are the solutions? v. 1
In the contemporary era, the life expectancy of the people has increased due to the advancement in the field of medical sciences. In my opinion, although there are some advantages of living longer, but the disadvantages are more such as unemployment because of overpopulation as well as an economic burden because of overspending on senior citizens. Admittedly, there are some basic benefits and one of them is a contribution to the economy of the country since people living for a long time will be able to contribute their knowledge along with skill in the work, which would definitely have the slight benefit to the economic level, for instance, Chinese people are living till the age of 150 due to which its economic burden is strong. Therefore an increase in life expectancy might have advantages to the nation. Apart from this, with the increase in the age of life, families are getting benefits because the old people, who are experienced can take care of their grandchildren and teach them various life skills, moral and cultural values. Hence, due to an increase in life expectancy, not only family is getting its benefits but also the country. Nevertheless, despite the advantages above, I believe that with the increase in the life expectancy there could be numerous serious predicaments and the primary one is that there would be overpopulation, which can further create disturbance in the workforce since there would be unemployment which is undoubtedly a disastrous trouble to every individual. In addition to it, the burden on the bureaucrats will also be increased as when the life expectancy escalates the number of people receiving pension will also increase which is ultimately a major drawback to the government. Thus, improved in the medical care due to which peeps are living longer have plenty of demerits. In conclusion, drawbacks overweight the little merits such as support to the family and simultaneous improvement in the economic level.
In the contemporary era, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
expectancy of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
has increased
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
due
to the advancement in the field of medical sciences. In my opinion, although there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
advantages of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
living
longer,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
the disadvantages are more such as unemployment
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of overpopulation
as well
as an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
economic
burden
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of overspending on senior citizens.

Admittedly
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
basic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
benefits
and one of them is a contribution to the economy of the country since
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
living
for a long time will be able to contribute their knowledge along with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skill
in the work, which would definitely have the slight
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
benefit
to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
economic
level,
for instance
, Chinese
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
living
till the age of 150
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
due
to which its
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
economic
burden is strong.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Therefore
an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
increase
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
expectancy might have advantages to the nation. Apart from this, with the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
increase
in the age of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
, families are getting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
benefits
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, who
are experienced
can take care of their grandchildren and teach them various
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
, moral and cultural values.
Hence
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
due
to an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
increase
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
expectancy, not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
family is getting its
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
benefits
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
the country.

Nevertheless
, despite the advantages above, I believe that with the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
increase
in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
expectancy there could be numerous serious predicaments and the primary one is that there would be overpopulation, which can
further
create disturbance in the workforce since there would be unemployment which is
undoubtedly
a disastrous trouble to every individual.
In addition
to it, the burden on the bureaucrats will
also
be increased
as when the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
expectancy escalates the number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
receiving pension will
also
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
increase
which is
ultimately
a major drawback to the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
.
Thus
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improved
in the medical care
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
due
to which peeps are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
living
longer have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
plenty
of demerits.

In conclusion
, drawbacks overweight the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
merits such as support to the family and simultaneous improvement in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
economic
level.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay High school students are usually not good at managing money. What are the reasons? What are the solutions? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
321 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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