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The bar chart below shows the number of students who choose certain university subjects in 2005. v.1

The bar chart below shows the number of students who choose certain university subjects in 2005. v. 1
In some countries in recent times, both sexes are employed full-time. Thus, it is argued that works in various homes should be shared among males and females. I agree with this notion because it will reduce stress due to work on women and it would make children responsible. Firstly, the stress women who are employed full-time face can be reduced if household chores are shared. For example, many mothers who work full-time in Nigeria, face an uphill of cooking, cleaning their homes and taking care of their children if their partners do not take part in this activities. whereas, stress is minimal in homes where chores are shared between men and women. This measure will ensure that time is available for recreation and rest, which will promote a good family relationship. Secondly, children who are brought up in homes where house works are shared are often more responsible. In other words, children will learn how to be hardworking, develop soft skills and can contribute to healthy relationship in their homes and communities. For instance, Criminal Watch Group, a Nigerian think-tank reported in 2015 that majority of deliquent male teenagers are from single-parent homes or homes in which mothers work full-time and they are still solely in charge of household chores. This may not have occurred if men participate actively in chores at homes. In conclusion, when work at home are shared, women will experience less stress and children will be trained to be responsible. Programs geared towards educating families of these merits should be promoted.
In
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
countries in recent times, both sexes
are employed
full-time.
Thus
, it
is argued
that works in various
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
homes
should be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shared
among males and females. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this notion
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
stress
due to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
and it would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
responsible.

Firstly
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
stress
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
who
are employed
full-time face can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduced
if household
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
chores
are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shared
.
For example
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
mothers who
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
full-time in Nigeria, face an uphill of cooking, cleaning their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
homes
and taking care of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
if their partners do not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
take part
in
Did you mean "these"?
this
activities.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
whereas
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
stress
is minimal in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
homes
where
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
chores
are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shared
between
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
. This measure will ensure that time is available for recreation and rest, which will promote a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
family relationship.

Secondly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
who
are brought
up in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
homes
where
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
works are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shared
are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
more responsible.
In other words
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
will learn how to be hardworking, develop soft
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
and can contribute to healthy relationship in their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
homes
and communities.
For instance
, Criminal
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Watch
Group, a Nigerian
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
-tank reported in 2015 that majority of
Possible spelling mistake found.
deliquent
male
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
are from single-parent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
homes
or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
homes
in which mothers
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
full-time and
they are
still
solely
in charge of household
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
chores
. This may not have occurred if
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
participate
actively
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
chores
at homes.

In conclusion
, when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
at home are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shared
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
will experience less
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
stress
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
will
be trained
to be responsible. Programs geared towards educating families of these merits should
be promoted
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay The bar chart below shows the number of students who choose certain university subjects in 2005. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
255 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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