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The average life expectancy of people in many countries has increased up to large extent. What are the reasons of this tend?Is this a positive or negative development?

The average life expectancy of people in many countries has increased up to large extent. What are the reasons of this tend? Is this a positive or negative development? q1L85
It is one of the dreams of human being to live long term life on earth since immemorial. It has been seen that people in many countries across the globe have achieved a long life span. There are some factors contributing the life long expectancy, and I reckon it is a negative development. Apparently, healthy life style is considered as the first and foremost reason because due to modern epoch, attaining knowledge about health is more likely for those health conscious people who want to lead life long term, and through social media: t. v, radio, emails, newspaper, magazines individuals cam easily avail knowledge. Besides healthy lifestyle, there are another cause of life expectancy that is advancement in medical science. To exemplification, nowadays there are umpteen medical treatments are available which are not only suitable to cure incurable ailments but also provide information about health. In a meticulous investigation, it had been proved that with the help of advanced technology well equiped hospital, consequently, it is quite easy to diagnosis the diseases and sort out quickly just because of latest machinery. On the flip side, there are some reason why this trend is considered to be negative. Initially, population explosion which is most probably root cause of so many issues: unemployment, pollution, poverty, illiteracy. In India, for example, improved medical condition is one of the significant advantages to increase the average life expectancy, however, the country is also cope with over-population. Apart from increased number of population, economic status of government would exceed due to talking care of old people: medical treatment, pension, food, shelter. Therefore, at certain range of age, old people need support for doing work, such as to walk, to take medicine, even for eating something. Hence, for the basic needs government have to manage their all expense since senior citizens fully rely on others even for basic requirements. To sum up, after releasing rapid progress in medical field are responsible to increase life expectancy. Whereas, this phenomenon would bring more detrimental affects.
It is one of the dreams of human being to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
long
term
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
on earth since immemorial. It has been
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
countries across the globe have achieved a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
long
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
span. There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
factors contributing the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
long
expectancy, and I reckon it is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
development.

Apparently
, healthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
style
is considered
as the
first
and foremost reason
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
due to modern epoch, attaining knowledge about health is more likely for
Did you mean "this health" or "those healths"?
those health
conscious
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who want to lead
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
long
term, and through social media: t. v, radio, emails, newspaper, magazines individuals cam
easily
avail knowledge.
Besides
healthy lifestyle, there are another cause of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
expectancy
that is
advancement in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
medical
science. To exemplification, nowadays there are umpteen
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
medical
treatments are available which are not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
suitable to cure incurable ailments
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
provide information about health. In a meticulous investigation, it had
been proved
that with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
of advanced technology well
Possible spelling mistake. Did you mean "equipped", the past tense form of the verb 'equip'?
equiped
hospital,
consequently
, it is quite easy to diagnosis the diseases and sort out
quickly
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of
A determiner is probably missing here: "the latest".
latest
machinery.

On the flip side, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
reason why this trend
is considered
to be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
.
Initially
, population explosion which is most
probably
root cause of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
issues: unemployment, pollution, poverty, illiteracy. In India,
for example
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improved
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
medical
condition is one of the significant advantages to increase the average
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
expectancy,
however
, the country is
also
Consider using a past participle here: "coped".
cope
with over-population. Apart from increased number of population, economic status of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
would exceed due to talking care of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
:
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
medical
treatment, pension, food, shelter.
Therefore
, at certain range of age,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
need support for doing work, such as to walk, to take medicine, even for eating something.
Hence
, for the basic needs
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
manage their all expense since senior citizens
fully
rely on others even for basic requirements.

To sum up, after releasing rapid progress in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
medical
field are responsible to increase
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
expectancy.
“Whereas” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Whereas
, this phenomenon would bring more detrimental affects.
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IELTS essay The average life expectancy of people in many countries has increased up to large extent. What are the reasons of this tend? Is this a positive or negative development?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
336 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
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