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The 21st century has begun. What changes do you think this new century will bring? Use examples and details in your answer. v.5

The 21st century has begun. What changes do you think this new century will bring? Use examples and details in your answer. v. 5
By many people it is believed that a youth should be taught by their parents how to be exemplary members of the community while the other believes that they should be taught about this in the schools. In my opinion a minor should learn how to be good members by their family members. Firstly, let us consider what would happen if guardian of children are tasked with educating them of being a contributing member of the community. The kids nowadays spend most of the time at home therefore they learn many things from their surroundings at their house. The baby spends approximately 3 to 4 years of his early life at his home where he learns how to speak, walk and how to approach and react to people and if the minor is educated in these years how to contribute well to the social circle then it should stay with the kids for the rest of his life like many essential skills. Now let us consider the impact of school in educating children. The first thing to consider is that school is a place where child interacts with new people and also he explore things which are necessary for his growth. The kid can learn from that environment and teachers are most important part of one's upbringing, but they cannot stay with us like one's guardian whole time, so teachers can help expand the knowledge of the contribution that a child can make to the society but the primary factors need be taught to the child by the parents. In conclusion, many kids nowadays spend most of the time at home that is why it is best that they learn how to be good members of society by their parents while the schools can help contribute to the mind the children on how to effectively use them and also tell them the difference between the contribution of good and bad to the society.
By
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
it
is believed
that a youth should
be taught
by their parents how to be exemplary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
members
of the community while the other believes that they should
be taught
about this in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
. In my opinion a minor should
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learn
how to be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
members
by their family members.

Firstly
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
let
us consider what would happen if guardian of children
are tasked
with educating them of being a contributing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
member
of the community. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
nowadays spend most of the time at home
therefore
they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learn
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
things from their surroundings at their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
. The baby spends approximately 3 to 4 years of his early life at his home where he
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learns
how to speak, walk and how to approach and react to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
and if the minor
is educated
in these years how to contribute well to the social circle then it should stay with the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
for the rest of his life like
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
essential
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
.

This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Now
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
let
us consider the impact of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
in educating children. The
first
thing to consider is that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
is a place where child interacts with new
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
and
also
he
The pronoun 'he' is usually used with a third-person or a past tense verb: "explores", "explored".
explore
things which are necessary for his growth. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kid
can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learn
from that environment and teachers are
Did you mean "the most"?
most
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
part of one's upbringing,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
they cannot stay with us like one's guardian whole time,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
teachers can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
expand the knowledge of the contribution that a child can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
to the society
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
the primary factors need
be taught
to the child by the parents.

In conclusion
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
nowadays spend most of the time at home
that is
why it is best that they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learn
how to be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
members
of society by their parents while the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
contribute to the mind the children on how to
effectively
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
them and
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
tell
them the difference between the contribution of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
to the society.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
Language is the road map of a culture. It tells you where its people come from and where they are going.
Rita Mae Brown

IELTS essay The 21st century has begun. What changes do you think this new century will bring? Use examples and details in your answer. v. 5

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
323 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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