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Do you agree or disagree that job has greater effect on your overall happiness than social life does?

that job has greater effect on your overall happiness than social life does? WmGRK
It is a generally accepted fact that happiness is of paramount importance for a comfortable and fulfilling life; in fact, so valuable can one's happiness be that most of the efforts people make from childhood to old age is often dedicated to find a way to be happy. In this case some controversy arises what factor has greater impact on happiness. There are many people who contend that job has greater effect on overall happiness than social life. I personally concur with this idea. The rationale behind this thesis will be investigated through two reasons in what follows. The first reason comes to my mind at first is that having a job increase self-confidence. In today’s competitive world having a decent job plays a prominent role in one's success and happiness. When people has a great job and do their task properly, they will be promoted to better positions. In other words, job satisfaction will result in someone has self-confidence and actually having self-confidence has a direct effect on one's happiness. Take my father as an example, my father worked on super scale company in Iran and he was one of the best employee in his company. After a few years he promoted as a manager of his departments. This events provided him with the opportunity to have self-confidence in every situation and be a happy man in every moment. Therefore, the more job satisfaction someone has, the more happiness he experiences. Second, should people have a job, they will have economic independence. Independence from parents and also staying on feet in every situation have a great impact on one's happiness. Besides, economic independence will lead to human beings experience a new feeling than ever experience before. Some phycologist scientist published an article that revealed that about 90 percent of youngsters who have economic independence from families are happier than other people who did not have a job. It goes without saying that economic independence from others helps people to be happier. Having analyzed the aforementioned ideas and reasoning, one can safely surmise that having job has greater impact on one's happiness. This is because not only does job increase self-confidence but also it leads to experience economic independence too. Thus, let us hope that whole people all over the world have a great job and be happy in their life.
It is a
generally
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
accepted
fact that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
is of paramount importance for a comfortable and fulfilling life; in fact,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
valuable can one's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
be that most of the efforts
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
from childhood to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
age is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
dedicated to find a way to be happy.
In this case
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
controversy arises what factor has greater impact on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
. There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who contend that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
has greater effect on
overall
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
than social life. I
personally
concur with this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
. The rationale behind this thesis will
be investigated
through two reasons in what follows.

The
first
reason
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
to my mind at
first
is that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
having
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
increase
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
self-confidence
. In
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
’s competitive world
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
having
a decent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
plays a prominent role in one's success and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
. When
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
If 'people' is plural here, don't use the third-person singular verb.
has
a great
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
and do their task
properly
, they will
be promoted
to better positions.
In other words
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
satisfaction will result in someone has
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
self-confidence
and actually
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
having
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
self-confidence
has a direct effect on one's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
. Take my father as an example, my father worked on super scale
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
in
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
Iran and
he was one of the best employee in his
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
. After a few years he promoted as a manager of his departments.
Did you mean "these"?
This
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
provided him with the opportunity to have
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
self-confidence
in every situation and be a happy
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
man
in every moment.
Therefore
, the more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
satisfaction someone has, the more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
he experiences.

Second, should
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
, they will have
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
economic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
independence
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Independence
from parents and
also
staying on feet in every situation have a great impact on one's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
.
Besides
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
economic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
independence
will lead to human beings experience a new
Use "(feeling)" to make a comparison with this adjective.
feeling
than ever experience
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
Possible spelling mistake found.
phycologist
scientist published an article that revealed that about 90 percent of youngsters who have
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
economic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
independence
from families are happier than other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who did not have a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
. It goes without saying that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
economic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
independence
from others
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to be happier.

Having analyzed the aforementioned
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
and reasoning, one can
safely
surmise that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
having
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
has greater impact on one's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
does
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
increase
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
self-confidence
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
it leads to experience
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
economic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
independence
too.
Thus
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
let
us hope that whole
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
all over the world have a great
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
and be happy in their life.
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IELTS essay that job has greater effect on your overall happiness than social life does?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
391 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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