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Thanks to the increase of technology, people today have greater amounts of free time. What are the advantages and disadvantages of the conveniences created by modern technology? v.1

Thanks to the increase of technology, people today have greater amounts of free time. What are the advantages and disadvantages of the conveniences created by modern technology? v. 1
Owning latest electronic devices has become a trend. It is observed that some people like to purchase latest electronics devices, mobile phone or laptops. In my opinion, this is detrimental to the individual as it might impact their financial stability and personal life. Firstly, any electronic device comes with a hefty price tag. The frequency with which companies launch mobile phones and laptops is frantic. Every single day a new phone or a gadget is launched in some part of the world. People who are fond of buying new products end up selling older products so that they can fund the new purchase. However, as the resale price of these goods is low, they recover only a fraction of the original cost and hence end up putting in more money for purchasing the device. Spending too much money on new gadgets can put individuals under tremendous financial distress. Secondly, the compulsive urge to buy the latest version of gadgets is not good for the environment. When people update the devices frequently, a lot of older devices will end up in landfills. From there they will pollute the land and water. They could even emit harmful radiations. Thirdly, most electronic gadgets have different operating procedures. Hence it becomes essential for the buyer to spend a significant amount of time to familiarize themselves with the new device. This wastes precious time that could be used for other useful purposes. In conclusion, I believe the practice / habit of buying latest devices, mobile phones or laptops has a detrimental effect on the personal life and financial condition of an individual.
Owning
A determiner is probably missing here: "the latest".
latest
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
electronic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
devices
has become a trend. It
is observed
that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
like to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchase
A determiner is probably missing here: "the latest".
latest
electronics
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
devices
, mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phone
or laptops. In my opinion, this is detrimental to the individual as it might impact their financial stability and personal life.

Firstly
, any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
electronic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
device
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
with a hefty price tag. The frequency with which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
launch mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
and laptops is frantic. Every single day a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phone
or a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gadget
is launched
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
part of the world.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
People
who are fond of buying
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
products
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
up selling older products
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that they can fund the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchase
.
However
, as the resale price of these
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
goods
is low, they recover
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
a fraction of the original cost and
hence
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
up putting in more money for purchasing the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
device
. Spending too much money on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gadgets
can put individuals under tremendous financial distress.

Secondly
, the compulsive urge to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
the latest version of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gadgets
is not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
for the environment. When
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
update the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
devices
frequently
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
devices
will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
up in landfills. From there they will pollute the land and water. They could even emit harmful radiations.

Thirdly
, most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
electronic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gadgets
have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
operating procedures.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Hence
it becomes essential for the buyer to spend a significant amount of time to familiarize themselves with the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
device
. This wastes precious time that could be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
for other useful purposes.

In conclusion
, I believe the practice / habit of buying
A determiner is probably missing here: "the latest".
latest
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
devices
, mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
or laptops has a detrimental effect on the personal life and financial condition of an individual.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Thanks to the increase of technology, people today have greater amounts of free time. What are the advantages and disadvantages of the conveniences created by modern technology? v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
267 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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