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Tell us about a specific and significant contribution you have made to your community or country. Please include how you utilized your leadership abilities and embraced diversity in your contribution. What inspired you to make this contribution? What were the outcomes?

Tell us about a specific and significant contribution you have made to your community or country. Please include how you utilized your leadership abilities and embraced diversity in your contribution. What inspired you to make this contribution? What were the outcomes? 11BLq
Last 10 years ago Myanmar started to develop and many sectors were need to develop. At that time the Internet was very expensive and speed was too slow. It was also like a luxury thing only the rich people could use. In my university student life, if I want to search for something for my school project, Internet café are very hard to find and I also can't make an effort to use them. Therefore, I decided to develop in that community and contribute more after I graduate. After I graduated, I joined the Internet Service Provider (ISP) in 2013 which provided Internet service mainly using Wi-Fi. Before the project started, I trained not only to improve technical skills but also communication skills. When the project started, I can communicate technically with the vendor and also to the cross department very well. With my team we implemented 3 townships within 3 months. We laid the overhead fiber cable, installed the Access Point (Wireless device) and Packet Transport Network (Transmission device) on the lamp pole along the street to build infrastructure. Then from the lamp pole we gave both wired and wireless service directly to the customer. So, for the normal user they can use wireless service and it was 4 times cheaper than the wired service. I also participated in the Internet community event like Myanmar Network Operator Group (MMNOG), Myanmar Internet Exchange (MMIX) and Asia Pacific Network Information Center (APNIC) 45th conference to meet the people who contribute like me and share knowledge with them. Besides, I shared my knowledge with my co-worker about that community and one of my team members got a fellowship from the APNIC at 48th event. After that she also participate at 2020 Asia Pacific School of Internet Governance (APSIG) and contribute more for the community. After 6 years working at the ISP, I moved to the System Integration (SI) Company in 2019. At there, I mainly participate in banking network projects like Central Bank of Myanmar Financial Network System 2 (CBM-NET2) and Microfinance network expansion project. Before CBM-NET2, in the Banking system we couldn’t do interbank transfers to the other bank. If we wanted to do an interbank transfer we had to go to the bank and withdraw the money. Then we had to go to the other bank to make an interbank transfer. So, all businesses need to open bank accounts at all banks. After we implemented the CBM-NET2 service, our government made a policy that every bank has to connect that service. When I was young, the Internet was a luxury and people who wanted to find knowledge were difficult for them. But with me and my community contribution my country is developing and I believe all of my people from my country can widely use the internet and banking system now. Furthermore, I also would like to participate in the eGovernment project and smart city project to make my country develop in the future.
Last 10 years ago Myanmar
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
develop
and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
sectors
were need
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
develop
. At that time the Internet was
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
expensive and speed was too slow. It was
also
like a luxury thing
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
the rich
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
. In my university student life, if I want to search for something for my school
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
project
, Internet café are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
to find and I
also
can't
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
an effort to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
them.
Therefore
, I decided to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
develop
in that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
community
and contribute more after I graduate.

After I graduated, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
joined
the Internet
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Service
Provider (ISP) in 2013 which provided Internet
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
service
mainly
using Wi-Fi.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Before
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
project
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
, I trained not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
technical
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
communication
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
. When the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
project
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
, I can communicate
technically
with the vendor and
also
to the cross department
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
well. With my team we implemented 3 townships within 3 months. We laid the overhead fiber cable, installed the Access Point (Wireless device) and Packet Transport
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Network
(Transmission device) on the lamp pole along the street to build infrastructure. Then from the lamp pole we gave both wired and wireless
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
service
directly
to the customer.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, for the normal user they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
wireless
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
service
and it was 4 times cheaper than the wired service.

I
also
participated in the Internet
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
community
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
event
like Myanmar
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Network
Operator Group (
Possible spelling mistake found.
MMNOG
), Myanmar Internet Exchange (
Possible spelling mistake found.
MMIX
) and Asia Pacific
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Network
Information Center (
Possible spelling mistake found.
APNIC
) 45th conference to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who contribute like me and share knowledge with them.
Besides
, I shared my knowledge with my co-worker about that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
community
and one of my team members
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
a fellowship from the
Possible spelling mistake found.
APNIC
at 48th
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
event
. After that she
also
participate at 2020 Asia Pacific School of Internet Governance (
Possible spelling mistake found.
APSIG
) and contribute more for the community.

After 6 years working at the ISP, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
moved
to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
System
Integration (SI)
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Company
in 2019. At there, I
mainly
participate in banking
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
network
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
projects
like Central
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Bank
of Myanmar Financial
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Network
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
System
2 (CBM-NET2) and Microfinance
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
network
expansion
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
project
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Before
CBM-NET2, in the Banking
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
system
we couldn’t do interbank transfers to the other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
bank
. If we wanted to do an interbank transfer we had to go to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
bank
and withdraw the money. Then we had to go to the other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
bank
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
an interbank transfer.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, all businesses need to open
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
bank
accounts at all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
banks
. After we implemented the CBM-NET2
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
service
, our
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
made a policy that every
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
bank
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
connect that service.

When I was young, the Internet was a luxury and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who wanted to find knowledge were difficult for them.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
with me and my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
community
contribution my country is developing and I believe all of my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
from my country can
widely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
the internet and banking
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
system
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
.
Furthermore
, I
also
would like to participate in the
Possible spelling mistake found.
eGovernment
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
project
and smart city
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
project
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
my country
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
develop
in the future.
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IELTS essay Tell us about a specific and significant contribution you have made to your community or country. Please include how you utilized your leadership abilities and embraced diversity in your contribution. What inspired you to make this contribution? What were the outcomes?

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
494 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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