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Tell me about your dream that you want to do in your future

Tell me about your dream that you want to do in your future 6mx6W
One thing you should know about me is that I was born and raised in Đong Thap province, which is destitute and suffers from material and spiritual hardships, and where children are victims of abuse, gender discrimination or even sexual harassment.  It is the fact that I used to be a victim of body shaming.  Back in the days when I was a little kid, like 14 or 15 years old, I had to suffer from a lot of bodily discomfort.  I was too heavy at the time, weighing 70 kg, and I received comments about my appearance, such as "you can never succeed if you are huge like this. " OMG!  It is a knife in my heart, you know.  If you ask me about my dream,  my memory is a little hazy right now, so I can't remember the exact details, but I remember for some reason I was pretty ashamed then I looked at the sky and wished I had a dream that I would become an inspiration like Jack Ma, Bill Gates, and then I would like to use my voice,  my confidence,  my influence, and particularly my action to inspire the world, to support young people overcome difficulties, and to increase awareness among people in my community.  But more importantly, one thing I always wanted to accomplish as I grew up was to instill positive values in the people around me, particularly the youngsters where I live, and to inspire them to believe in their hopes and dreams.  I believe that it is beneficial for all members of society to have high-quality education systems.
One thing you should know about me is that I
was born
and raised in 
Đong
 
Thap
 province, which is destitute and suffers from material and spiritual hardships, and where children are victims of abuse, gender discrimination or even sexual harassment.  It is the fact that I 
used
 to be a victim of body shaming.  Back in the days when I was a
little
kid, like 14 or 15 years
old
, I had to suffer from a lot of 
bodily
 discomfort.  I was too heavy at the time, weighing 70 kg, and I received comments about my appearance, such as
"
you can never succeed if you are huge like this.
"
 OMG!  It is a knife in my heart, you know.  If you ask me about my dream,
 
my memory is a
little
hazy right
now
,
so
I can't remember the exact
details
,
but
I remember for
some
reason I was pretty ashamed then I looked at the sky and wished I had a dream that I would become an inspiration like Jack Ma, Bill Gates, and then I would like to
use
 my voice,
 
my confidence,
 
my influence, and
particularly
 my action to inspire the world, to support young 
people
 overcome difficulties, and to increase awareness among 
people
 in my community.  
But
more
importantly
, one thing I always wanted to accomplish as I grew up was to instill
positive
values in the
people
around me,
particularly
the youngsters where I
live
, and to inspire them to believe in their hopes and dreams.  I believe that it is beneficial for all members of society to have high-quality education systems.
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IELTS essay Tell me about your dream that you want to do in your future

Essay
  American English
1 paragraphs
204 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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