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Television has had a significant influence on the culture of many societies. To what extent would you say that television has positively or negatively affected the cultural development of your society? v.5

Television has had a significant influence on the culture of many societies. v. 5
It is said that television has a great power to influence people's mind. To some extent, I do agree with this statement. The main con of television is that it has created the status system in our society. Today, companies are hiring celebrities for promoting their products. Advertising products in a glamorous way will create greed in the hearts of those people who can't afford that expensive product. For example, I have a friend who watches movies a lot. He was very much fascinated with the lifestyle which is nowadays showing on television. He does not have enough money to live that lifestyle so he starts practising illegal ways of achieving that lifestyle. He started the robbery. Today, people are frustrated and depressed for not being able to spend a luxurious life. Everyone is working hard to earn a lot of money for which they have to sacrifice their social and personal life. On the other hand, if we look at the positive aspect of this issue, we can observe that television is also a source of information. By watching informative channels, one can enhance his knowledge. One can improve his language by watching a particular language channel. For example, My friend has improved his listening skills of English by watching English movies and dramas. Moreover, I have a friend who is very much fond of taking dowry. He stated that he will marry a girl only who will give him a lot of dowries but by watching different shows which teaches him that taking dowry is one of the most horrible things one can do, he started neglecting the idea to take dowry. All in all, everything has its own advantages and disadvantages. It totally depends on a person to what to learn from something. On the one hand, television is a source of knowledge for those people who want to learn something in their life and on the other hand television is the most horrible thing for those who want to remain uneducated for their entire life.
It
is said
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
has a great power to influence
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's mind. To
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
extent, I do
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this statement. The main con of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
is that it has created the status system in our society.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Today
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
are hiring celebrities for promoting their products. Advertising products
Consider replacing "in a glamorous way" with the adverb for "glamorous"; e.g., "in a hasty manner" with "hastily".
in a glamorous way
will create greed in the hearts of those
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
can't afford that expensive product.
For example
, I have a friend
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watches
movies a lot. He was
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
much fascinated with the lifestyle which is nowadays showing on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
. He does not have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
money to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
that lifestyle
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
he
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
starts
Possible spelling mistake. 'practising' is British English.
practising
illegal ways of achieving that lifestyle.
Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
He
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
the robbery.

This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Today
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are frustrated
and depressed for not being able to spend a luxurious life. Everyone is working
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
to earn
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
money for which they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
sacrifice their social and personal life.

On the other hand
, if we look at the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
aspect of this issue, we can observe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
is
also
a source of information. By watching informative channels, one can enhance his knowledge. One can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
his language by watching a particular language channel.
For example
, My friend has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improved
his listening
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
of English by watching English movies and dramas.
Moreover
, I have a friend
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
much fond of taking dowry. He stated that he will marry a girl
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
will give him
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
dowries
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
by watching
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
which teaches him that taking dowry is one of the most horrible things one can do, he
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
neglecting the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
to take dowry.

All in all, everything has its
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
advantages and disadvantages. It
totally
depends on a person to what to learn from something. On the one hand,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
is a source of knowledge for those
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
want to learn something in their life and
on the other hand
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
is the most horrible thing for those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
want to remain uneducated for their entire life.
6Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
12Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes

IELTS essay Television has had a significant influence on the culture of many societies. v. 5

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
339 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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