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Television dominates the free-time of too many people. It can make people lazy and prevent them from socialising with others. Do you agree or disagree? v.12

Television dominates the free-time of too many people. It can make people lazy and prevent them from socialising with others. v. 12
Televisions are now an important part of our life and considered as the best source of entertainment for almost everyone. However, I firmly believe that spending our leisure time in front of the television sets is going to make our lifestyle sedimentary and stops us from being part of social events. This essay is going to discuss the above reasons in detail with examples. Firstly, the entertaining programs on the television networks keep us glued to them for a very long time and prevents us from doing any kind of physical activity. Thus, such a sedimentary lifestyle is detrimental to our health. For instance, it is important for children to play outdoor games but they prefer to watch cartoons at home. Hence, they are losing grip on their physical activities and it results in obesity or other health issues in the children. Secondly, nowadays, TV is such an integral part of our day to day activities that we can skip to meet our friends, if a popular program is running on it. So, our social participation is reducing day by day. For example, people used to go to parks and meet other society members in the evening time, it helped them to stay connected with each other. However, the prime time shows are now taking over such social event participation. Resultantly, we are less interested in being part of the real world events. In conclusion, the modern day society is more inclined to televisions, leaving us at the doors of sedimentary, unhealthy and un-social lifestyle. Furthermore, I agree that we need to look at this problem more seriously and spend our leisure time more thoughtfully.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Televisions
are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
part
of our life and considered as the best source of entertainment for almost everyone.
However
, I
firmly
believe that spending our leisure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
in front of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
sets is going to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
our lifestyle sedimentary and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stops
us from being
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
part
of social
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
. This essay is going to discuss the above reasons in detail with examples.

Firstly
, the entertaining programs on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
networks
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
us glued to them for a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
long
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevents
us from doing any kind of physical activity.
Thus
, such a sedimentary lifestyle is detrimental to our health.
For instance
, it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
for children to play outdoor games
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
they prefer to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
cartoons at home.
Hence
, they are losing grip on their physical activities and it results in obesity or other health issues in the children.

Secondly
, nowadays, TV is such an integral
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
part
of our
It appears that two hyphens are missing.
day to day
activities that we can skip to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
our friends, if a popular program is running on it.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, our social participation is reducing day by day.
For example
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to go to parks and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
other society members in the evening
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
, it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helped
them to stay connected with each other.
However
, the prime
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
taking over such social
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
event
participation.
Resultantly
, we are less interested in being
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
part
of the real world
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
.

In conclusion
, the modern day society is more inclined to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
televisions
, leaving us at the doors of sedimentary, unhealthy and
Possible spelling mistake found.
un-social
lifestyle.
Furthermore
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that we need to look at this problem more
seriously
and spend our leisure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
more
thoughtfully
.
8.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Television dominates the free-time of too many people. It can make people lazy and prevent them from socialising with others. v. 12

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
275 words
8.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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