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Teenagers should not be allowed to use mobile phones at school. v.2

Teenagers should not be allowed to use mobile phones at school. v. 2
The technology is getting advanced with each day and so the children are getting advanced. Nowadays, everybody has a mobile phone be it a teenager or an adult or an elderly person because it has become a necessity to stay in touch with your near and dear ones. Though it has become a necessity for the parents to give mobile phones to their children to get in touch whenever they want to, but everything has its pros and cons and it is a parent's responsibility to teach their children in the right direction or set certain rules. The use of mobiles at school should be strictly prohibited because it will lead to a lack of concentration plus wrong society. The usage of phones during school hours will ruin their career because they will not be able to focus on their studies if they tend to use it during their classes when the teacher will be teaching. They might also get into access to inappropriate content like porn, crime, etc. The use of mobile at school during school time will also lead to a lack of participation in extracurricular activities and so will not be able to find and polish any hidden talent. Lack of extracurricular activities will also lead to a lack of physical and mental growth and may also lead to depression too. So, I support the idea to give mobile phones to teenagers, but it's our responsibility to teach them the right way to use it and also to take out time from our busy schedules to guide them and counsel them time to time so that they don't get into wrong practices.
The technology is getting advanced with each day and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
the children are getting advanced. Nowadays, everybody has a mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phone
be it a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenager
or an adult or an elderly person
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it has become a necessity to stay in touch with your near and dear ones. Though it has become a necessity for the parents to give mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
to their children to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
in touch whenever they want to,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
everything has its pros and cons and it is a parent's responsibility to teach their children in the right direction or set certain
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
rules
. The
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of mobiles at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
should be
strictly
prohibited
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it will
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lead
to a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lack
of concentration plus
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
society. The usage of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
during
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
hours will ruin their career
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they will not be able to focus on their studies if they tend to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
it during their classes when the teacher will be teaching. They might
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
into access to inappropriate content like porn, crime, etc. The
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of mobile at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
during
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
will
also
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lead
to a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lack
of participation in extracurricular activities and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
will not be able to find and polish any hidden talent.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Lack
of extracurricular activities will
also
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lead
to a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lack
of physical and mental growth and may
also
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lead
to depression too.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, I support the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
to give mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it's our responsibility to teach them the right way to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
it and
also
to take out
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
from our busy schedules to guide them and counsel them
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that they don't
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
into
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
practices.
5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
20Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
0Mistakes

IELTS essay Teenagers should not be allowed to use mobile phones at school. v. 2

Essay
  American English
1 paragraphs
275 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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