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Task6 Using points and examples from the lecture explain the importance of visual elements in painting v.1

Task6 Using points and examples from the lecture explain the importance of visual elements in painting v. 1
It is argued that women are better caretakers than men and hence they should concentrate more on bringing up children and less on their careers. This essay disagrees with that opinion because their natural care taking quality is what sets them apart from the opposite gender. Firstly, this essay will discuss how the aid-giving trait in women is an advantage in their careers and secondly, how their successful work life contributes to a healthy environment at home. Women are known to possess a natural nurturing quality in them. It is this aspect that proves to be an advantage in their careers. They have a higher emotional quotient than men and their compassion and kindness towards others can be beneficial to their work life. For example, my friend Rachel who was in the human resources department at my previous company, Ernst & Young, was promoted to a managerial position due to her ability to connect and show empathy towards employees. Whereas John, another friend of mine, who joined the company at the same time as she remained in the same position. Successful women contribute to a healthy environment at home. Women are the centrepiece of a family and the happiness of the family directly depends on them. Working women find that having a career makes them feel accomplished and self-sufficient. This in turn gives them happiness. To illustrate, my aunt Emma, was having a hard time when she decided to take a year off from her job to take care of her newborn daughter. She missed working and felt taking a year off might make her redundant. As a result, she would often feel resentment towards her daughter. However, a few months later, she decided to take up a part-time job and this turned out to be the best decision she ever made. She felt fulfilled at work and her happiness reflected onto her family as well. In conclusion, women shouldn’t concentrate on taking care of kids over their careers because their nurturing abilities are what helps them in their careers and it leads to a healthier atmosphere at home.
It
is argued
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
are better caretakers than
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
and
hence
they should concentrate more on bringing up children and less on their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
careers
. This essay disagrees with that opinion
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
their natural care taking quality is what sets them apart from the opposite gender.
Firstly
, this essay will discuss how the aid-giving trait in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
is an advantage in their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
careers
and
secondly
, how their successful work life contributes to a healthy environment at home.

Women
are known
to possess a natural nurturing quality in them. It is this aspect that proves to be an advantage in their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
careers
. They have a higher emotional quotient than
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
and their compassion and kindness towards others can be beneficial to their work life.
For example
, my friend Rachel who was in the human resources department at my previous
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
, Ernst & Young,
was promoted
to a managerial position due to her ability to connect and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
empathy towards employees. Whereas John, another friend of mine, who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
joined
the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
at the same time as she remained in the same position.

Successful
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
contribute to a healthy environment at home.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Women
are the
Possible spelling mistake found.
centrepiece
of a family and the happiness of the family
directly
depends on them. Working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
find that having a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
career
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
them feel accomplished and self-sufficient. This in turn gives them happiness. To illustrate, my aunt Emma, was having a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
time when she decided to take a year off from her job to take care of her newborn daughter. She missed working and felt taking a year off might
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
her redundant.
As a result
, she would
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
feel resentment towards her daughter.
However
, a few months later, she decided to take up a part-time job and this turned out to be the best decision she ever made. She felt fulfilled at work and her happiness reflected onto her family
as well
.

In conclusion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
shouldn’t concentrate on taking care of kids over their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
careers
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
their nurturing abilities are what
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
them in their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
careers
and it leads to a healthier atmosphere at home.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
Change your language and you change your thoughts.
Karl Albrecht

IELTS essay Task6 Using points and examples from the lecture explain the importance of visual elements in painting v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
349 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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