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Do you agree or disagree with following statement? Newspaper and magazines are the best way of to learn about the foreign country. v.6

Newspaper and magazines are the best way of to learn about the foreign country. v. 6
It is often argued that a high paid job is vital than a satisfying work with less wage. I strongly agree with this opinion and I believe salary is the key, not job satisfaction. First of all, I like to be paid well because it will fulfil all my dreams of buying valuable things. Even though, If one’s job is satisfactory, but, the pay Is insufficient, they have to compromise for all their needs. For example, one of my friends is interested to visit Belgium. He is striving hard to save the money for the last 2 years, but, as his pay is so less he is not able to show a sufficient amount to the government which is required for getting a touring visa. So, I always believe to work with an organization that pays me more. The other reason one has to choose a bigger salary than job satisfaction is for keeping their family happier. A person with good pay will have an opportunity to take care of the family's needs as per the expectations and requirements. For example, One of my friend's father was suffering from rare skin cancer and they were able to identify it in advance stages. It’s very expensive to be treated in such stages, local doctors suggested him a hospital in London. He was able to afford because he’s paid well. It’s not possible to manage such situations which are often linked with money even if he is happy with his job. To conclude, Even though many tend to work for satisfaction irrespective of salaries, it’s very difficult them to manage all their responsibilities and requirements. So in my opinion preferably a big pay is better and I have no regrets for compromising in terms of job satisfaction.
It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
argued that a high paid
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
is
Use "(vital)" to make a comparison with this adjective.
vital
than a satisfying work with less wage. I
strongly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this opinion and I believe salary is the key, not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
satisfaction.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, I like to
be paid
well
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it will fulfil all my dreams of buying valuable things.
Even though
, If one’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
is satisfactory,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pay
Is insufficient, they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
compromise for all their needs.
For example
, one of my friends
is interested
to visit Belgium. He is striving
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
to save the money for the last 2 years,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
, as his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pay
is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
less he is not able to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
a sufficient amount to the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
which
is required
for getting a touring visa.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, I always believe to work with an organization that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pays
me more.

The other reason one
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
choose a bigger salary than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
satisfaction is for keeping their family happier. A person with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pay
will have an opportunity to take care of the family's needs as per the expectations and requirements.
For example
, One of my friend's father was suffering from rare skin
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
cancer and
they were able to identify it in advance stages. It’s
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
expensive to
be treated
in such stages, local doctors suggested him a hospital in London. He was able to afford
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
he’s paid well. It’s not possible to manage such situations which are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
linked with money even if he is happy with his job.

To conclude
,
Even though
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
tend to work for satisfaction irrespective of salaries, it’s
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
difficult them to manage all their responsibilities and requirements.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
in my opinion
preferably
a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pay
is better and I have no regrets for compromising in terms of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
satisfaction.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Newspaper and magazines are the best way of to learn about the foreign country. v. 6

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
295 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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