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talk about volunteering and then give my opinion

talk about volunteering and then give my opinion 6l0rl
The passage described volunteering. The speaker was the director of operations about volunteering. Firstly, she explained about volunteering, and then she gave volunteer activities. For example, if volunteers helped a family with struggling, they would give them some tips on cooking, plan their budget, do some painting and wallpapering and take care of their baby when the parents go out. In addition, the benefits gained after helping other people as they had skills to cope with a health problem, a valuable CV when applying for jobs and they feel they were living a purposeful life. Moreover, she talked about some volunteers. Habib supported elderly people with memory loss by listening to songs that remind them of youth. Next is Consuela, who had difficulties when she walked by herself, but she neglected. She helped other couples with similar difficulties by encouraging them to walk more. Minh helped a young man going out to the cinema and seeing friends. Tanya was the person who persuaded elderly people to start a new hobby of making toys. Alexie helped a family realizing they can solve their difficulties and the last volunteer is Juba, she helped a teenage girl express herself and understand other people
The passage
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
described
volunteering. The speaker was the director of operations about volunteering.
Firstly
, she
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explained
about volunteering, and then she gave
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
volunteer
activities.
For example
, if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
volunteers
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helped
a family with struggling, they would give them
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
tips on cooking, plan their budget, do
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
painting and wallpapering and take care of their baby when the parents go out.
In addition
, the benefits gained after helping other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
as they had
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
to cope with a health problem, a valuable CV when applying for
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
jobs and
they feel they were living a purposeful life.

Moreover
, she talked about
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
volunteers
.
Possible spelling mistake found.
Habib
supported elderly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
with memory loss by listening to songs that remind them of youth.
Next
is Consuela, who had difficulties when she walked by herself,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
she neglected. She
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helped
other couples with similar difficulties by encouraging them to walk more.
Possible spelling mistake found.
Minh
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helped
a young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
man
going out to the cinema and seeing friends. Tanya was the person who persuaded elderly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
a new hobby of making toys.
Possible spelling mistake found.
Alexie
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helped
a family realizing they can solve their difficulties and the last
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
volunteer
is
Possible spelling mistake found.
Juba
, she
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helped
a teenage girl express herself and understand other
Please add a punctuation mark at the end of paragraph
people
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IELTS essay talk about volunteering and then give my opinion

Essay
  American English
2 paragraphs
199 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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