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talk about something you and your family enjoying together. Describe it and explain why you all enjoy it. v.1

talk about something you and your family enjoying together. Describe it and explain why you all enjoy it. v. 1
Nowadays, employers often require applicants to provide personal details while applying for a job. While there are people who think that asking for such information is useless, others think it is necessary to gather such data, and I agree with this point of view. On the one hand, collecting personal details from the job applicant is considered beneficial. Firstly, it helps the company to know the applicant in more depth such as the hobbies of the potential employee. This is useful to shortlist applications for jobs where requirements are strict such as night time shifts. Secondly, the company can understand the personality of the person to see if it he fits with the culture and values. Furthermore, this knowledge helps the organizations to build diverse and multicultural teams by hiring people with distinct backgrounds, personalities and skills. On the other hand, collecting private details of people has numerous consequences for the society. In the first place, such data can result in bias towards specific groups. For example, an employer might give preference to the people with no disabilities rather than giving equal opportunity to everyone. Also, misuse can result in gender, color or race discrimination. Furthermore, if the company shares that data with third parties, then It can be misused to target people with misleading advertisements. Lastly, candidates can submit incorrect information to increase their chances of getting hired if the selection criteria includes personal qualities. In conclusion, some employers feel comfortable in asking personal information during the job application. There are some downsides to this approach, but in my opinion, asking for such information can be beneficial if companies ensure safety and ethical usage of the collected data.
Nowadays, employers
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
require applicants to provide
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
details
while applying for a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
. While there are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that asking for such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
is useless, others
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
it is necessary to gather such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
data
, and I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this point of view.

On the one hand, collecting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
details
from the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
applicant
is considered
beneficial.
Firstly
, it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
to know the applicant in more depth such as the hobbies of the potential employee. This is useful to shortlist applications for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
where requirements are strict such as
This word is normally spelled as one.
night time
shifts.
Secondly
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
can understand the personality of the person to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
if
Consider adding a comma here.
it
he fits with the culture and values.
Furthermore
, this knowledge
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
the organizations to build diverse and multicultural teams by hiring
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
with distinct backgrounds, personalities and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
.

On the other hand
, collecting private
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
details
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
has numerous consequences for the society. In the
first
place, such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
data
can result in bias towards specific groups.
For example
, an employer might give preference to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
with no disabilities
rather
than giving equal opportunity to everyone.
Also
, misuse can result in gender, color or race discrimination.
Furthermore
, if the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
shares that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
data
with third parties, then It can
be misused
to target
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
with misleading advertisements.
Lastly
, candidates can submit incorrect
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
to increase their chances of getting hired if the selection criteria includes
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
qualities.

In conclusion
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
employers feel comfortable in asking
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
during the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
application. There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
downsides to this approach,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
in my opinion, asking for such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
can be beneficial if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
ensure safety and ethical usage of the collected
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
data
.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay talk about something you and your family enjoying together. Describe it and explain why you all enjoy it. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
279 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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