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Talk about a time when you have visited a crowded place. Please say

Talk about a time when you have visited a crowded place. Please say BWj5w
To be honest, I have had the opportunity to face many opportunities I came across such a places with a lot of people in my life. Today I am going to talk about one of the most memorable events when I have never forgotten. First and foremost, It is a memory of a time when I went to a fireworks display. The fireworks display was very famous in my area, so many people attended. In addition, there were many stalls and my friend and I tried to buy some food from them. Moving on to next question. Another most striking point is that We were able to enjoy the fireworks display. There were certainly a lot of people there and it was difficult to move around, but that's because the presence of so many people gave us the feeling of sharing the excitement with many people, which was really wonderful. That’s all about this topic.
To be honest, I have had the opportunity to face
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
opportunities I came across such
Don't use indefinite articles with plural words. Did you mean "a place" or simply "places"?
a places
with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in my life.

This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Today
I am going to talk about one of the most memorable
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
when I have never forgotten.

First
and foremost, It is a memory of a time when I went to a fireworks display. The fireworks display was
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
in my area,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
attended.

In addition
, there were
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
stalls and my friend and I tried to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
food from them.

Moving on to
next
question. Another most striking point is that We were able to enjoy the fireworks display. There were
certainly
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
there and it was difficult to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
move
around,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
that's
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the presence of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
gave us the feeling of sharing the excitement with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, which was
really
wonderful.

That’s all about this topic.
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IELTS essay Talk about a time when you have visited a crowded place. Please say

Essay
  American English
6 paragraphs
155 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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