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Talk about a special present you received and why it was important to you? Include details to support your response. v.1

Talk about a special present you received and why it was important to you? Include details to support your response. v. 1
Due to the recent technological advances, the leisure activities of the young ones have changed. Although, the use of technological devices during the free time of children attracts them to the discipline of science and technology, the demerits clearly offset this benefit. One commonly cited advantage of the use of new technology during the past time of youngsters is that it endears them to the study of science and technology. This is due to the fact that young ones are inquisitive and usually want to know how their toys and electronic devices function and they often have a desire to construct such items. For example, children who play with electronic toys do have the yearning to be engineers in the future so as to built similar items and a thus, they are attracted to science subjects at school. Therefore, if these children have not been exposed to modern recreational devices, they may not have developed an interest in science and technology. However, there are two important demerits of the effects of recent technological developments on the free time of children. Firstly, it creates more health problems for young ones. This arises owing to the fact that such recreational activities promote sedentary lifestyle compared to the active events such as running among kids few decades ago. Thus, children are predisposed to obesity, cardiovascular challenges and other diseases because they are less active. For instance, the surge in the use of phones and computers by children to listen to music, watch videos and play games has been linked to eye problems and obesity among them. This reveals a negative outcome from the use of modern technology when children are free. Secondly, it makes youngsters less social. Many children now have little time to make friends and interact with their love ones as a result of the use of electronic devices. As a consequence, some children now prefer to be left alone during leisure rather than play with their peers. In conclusion, although, many young ones are now attracted to science and technology in school as a result of the devices they play with during their leisure time, however, it also results in more health complications for these ones and it reduces their interactions with people around them. On the balance, the disadvantages outweighs the advantages.
Due to the recent technological advances, the leisure activities of the
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young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ones
have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
. Although, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of technological
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devices
during the free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
attracts them to the discipline of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
science
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
, the demerits
clearly
offset this benefit.

One
commonly
cited advantage of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
during the past
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
of youngsters is that it endears them to the study of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
science
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
.
This is due to the fact that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ones
are inquisitive and
usually
want to know how their toys and electronic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
devices
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
function and
they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
have a desire to construct such items.
For example
,
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children
who
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
play
with electronic toys do have the yearning to be engineers in the future
'So as to' expresses purpose and is used in formal texts. Consider using "to"
so as to
built similar items and a
thus
, they
are attracted
to
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science
subjects at school.
Therefore
, if these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
have not
been exposed
to modern recreational
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
devices
, they may not have developed an interest in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
science
and technology.

However
, there are two
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
demerits of the effects of recent technological developments on the free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
Firstly
, it creates more health problems for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ones
. This arises owing to the fact that such recreational activities promote sedentary lifestyle compared to the active
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
such as running among kids few decades ago.
Thus
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are predisposed
to obesity, cardiovascular challenges and other diseases
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they are less active.
For instance
, the surge in the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of phones and computers by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to listen to music,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
videos and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
play
games has
been linked
to eye problems and obesity among them. This reveals a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
outcome from the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of modern
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are free.
Secondly
, it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
youngsters less social.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
friends and interact with their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ones
as a result
of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of electronic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
devices
. As a consequence,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
prefer to be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
left
alone during leisure
rather
than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
play
with their peers.

In conclusion
, although,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ones
are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
attracted to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
science
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
in school
as a result
of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
devices
they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
play
with during their leisure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
,
however
, it
also
results in more health complications for these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ones
and it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduces
their interactions with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
around them. On the balance, the disadvantages outweighs the advantages.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Talk about a special present you received and why it was important to you? Include details to support your response. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
383 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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