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Sugary drinks should be made more expensive so that people are encouraged not to use them. Agree or Disagree?

Sugary drinks should be made more expensive so that people are encouraged not to use them. Agree or Disagree? AJ6BL
Drinks that have a high proportion of carbohydrates are immensely popular in all ages. Hence, a segment of society opines that high charges should be imposed on the products to discourage the consumption of sugar. I disagree with the aforementioned statement for the following reasons. The first and foremost reason is that elevating the price of sugary drinks is not the effective solution for this consumption; people especially toddlers are very fond of sweeteners like candies, slurries and other fruits juices which are packed in plastic bags. Therefore, the inflation in charges might increase another financial burden on parents; instead, folks should be informed of the side effects of high intake of sugar on health. To illustrate, the populace who intakes high carbohydrates in their daily routine might face health-related disorders like obesity and diabetes and such chronic diseases resulting in degeneration of crucial body parts. Thus, a campaign should be started by the government to make the public acknowledge regarding serious outcomes of this pattern. Another solution is that teachers should make some efforts to educate youngsters how such drinks are harmful to our health; as tutors can incite adolescents to have a healthy diet and avoid sugary products in a more effective and strategic manner than their parents. Apart from that, the government should monitor the making process of such soft refreshments like soda closely and strict regulations are put in place in order to check the quality and the proportion of added flavours and contents. Also, the percentage of added flavours and contents should be labelled properly, so that a customer should familiar with what he is inhaling before buying them. To conclude then, to curb the high consumption of sugar, the authorities and schools should make propelling efforts to educate the public and toddlers to minimise the intake of such sips respectively. The authorities must keep a close eye on the procedures, qualities and quantity of such soft drinks in order to keep their citizens safe.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Drinks
that have a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
high
proportion of carbohydrates are
immensely
popular in all ages.
Hence
, a segment of society opines that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
high
charges should
be imposed
on the products to discourage the consumption of sugar. I disagree with the aforementioned statement for the following reasons.

The
first
and foremost reason is that elevating the price of sugary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
drinks
is not the effective solution for this consumption;
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
especially
toddlers are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
fond of sweeteners like candies, slurries and other fruits juices which
are packed
in plastic bags.
Therefore
, the inflation in charges might increase another financial burden on parents;
instead
, folks should
be informed
of the side effects of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
high
intake of sugar on health. To illustrate, the populace who intakes
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
high
carbohydrates in their daily routine might face health-related disorders like obesity and diabetes and such chronic diseases resulting in degeneration of crucial body parts.
Thus
, a campaign should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
by the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
the public acknowledge regarding serious outcomes of this pattern.

Another solution is that teachers should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
efforts to educate youngsters how such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
drinks
are harmful to our health; as tutors can incite adolescents to have a healthy diet and avoid sugary products in a more effective and strategic manner than their parents. Apart from that, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should monitor the making process of such soft refreshments like soda
closely
and strict regulations
are put
in place in order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
check
the quality and the proportion of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
added
Possible spelling mistake. 'flavours' is British English.
flavours
and contents.
Also
, the percentage of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
added
Possible spelling mistake. 'flavours' is British English.
flavours
and contents should
be labelled
properly
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that a customer should familiar with what he is inhaling
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
buying them.

To conclude
then, to curb the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
high
consumption of sugar, the authorities and schools should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
propelling efforts to educate the public and toddlers to
Possible spelling mistake. 'minimise' is British English.
minimise
the intake of such sips
respectively
. The authorities
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
a close eye on the procedures, qualities and quantity of such soft
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
drinks
in order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
their citizens safe.

IELTS essay Sugary drinks should be made more expensive so that people are encouraged not to use them. Agree or Disagree?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
330 words
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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