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University students should not have a part-time job, while others think the opposite. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

University students should not have a part-time job, while others think the opposite. KVaGR
People have different opinions as to whether or not getting a part-time job as a university student is advantageous. Some people suggest that students in academy ought to have a part-time job, from which they can gain experience and earn a living, whereas others disapprove it and find an extra job as a disruption to a student to apply himself to study assignments. While there are convincing arguments on both sides, I agree with the former opinion.
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People
have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
opinions
Wordiness: Consider shortening this phrase.
as to whether or not
getting a part-time job as a university student is advantageous.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
suggest that students in academy ought to have a part-time job, from which they can gain experience and earn a living, whereas others disapprove it and find an extra job as a disruption to a student to apply himself to study assignments. While there are convincing arguments on both sides, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the former opinion.

IELTS essay University students should not have a part-time job, while others think the opposite.

Essay
  American English
1 paragraphs
77 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
4.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
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Lexical Resource: 6.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
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  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
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    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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