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Sugar and its reduced impact

Sugar and its reduced impact X7aOA
While sugar seems to be a major cause for many of the current health issues, I disagree that making sugary products expensive reduces the actual consumption. I would like to express my views below as follows. Sugary products do occupy significant proportion in peoples diet in the form of fruit juices, beverages and bakery foods. Price rise may discourage sugar usage but cannot have a profound impact on people with sweet tooth. People of high income may not be bothered by the high rates. People otherwise may add sugar separately to the products such as desserts and drinks consumed regularly. More awareness must be raised among public regarding ravaging issues as diabetes and obesity inorder to make people reduce the consumption. Thus I believe mere surge in prices may not serve the intended purpose. More awareness of diet and its impact on health can be effective in the long run.
While sugar seems to be a major cause for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
health issues, I disagree that making sugary products expensive
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduces
the actual consumption. I would like to express my views below as follows.

Sugary products do occupy significant proportion in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
peoples
diet in the form of fruit juices, beverages and bakery foods. Price rise may discourage sugar usage
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
cannot have a profound impact on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
with sweet tooth.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
of high income may not
be bothered
by the high rates.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
otherwise
may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
add
sugar
separately
to the products such as desserts and drinks consumed
regularly
.

More awareness
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be raised
among public regarding ravaging issues as diabetes and obesity
Possible spelling mistake found.
inorder
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
the consumption.

Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Thus
I believe mere surge in prices may not serve the intended purpose. More awareness of diet and its impact on health can be effective in the long run.

IELTS essay Sugar and its reduced impact

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
150 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
4.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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